Monday, November 26, 2007

Rest of the Best: 5 Anticipated Fights for the End of 2007

With only a little over a month left, most tremendous upsets and fight-of-the-year candidates are already in the books. However, the last weeks of this year have a few more excellent fights to offer MMA fans. Below are my five most anticipated fights for the latter days of 2007.

5. Fedor Emelianenko vs. ?

Emelianenko's return to the ring has got to be on any fan's radar. I'm reserving some enthusiasm, though, until we find out who exactly he's supposed to be fighting. I don't exactly relish a return to the Japanese freak-show fight that a match with MMA novice Hong Man Choi represents. I can't even imagine why Emelianenko's management would think that such a fight is becoming for what is considered pound-for-pound one of the greatest fighters in the sport. Rumored opposition in the form of Jeff Monson or Pedro Rizzo isn't much of an improvement. Rizzo is basically mustering up all his strength for one last string of wins at the end of his career, while Emelianenko is at the height of his powers. And Monson, uh...just got knocked out by Rizzo, so it's not looking good.

4. Urijah Faber vs. Jeff Curran

It's gotta be the chin. Faber's recent competition, while perhaps talented, hasn't had quite the level of experience needed to pose a threat to the WEC's 145 pound champion. Jeff Curran, at 28-8-1 against a host of esteemed opposition, will be Faber's stiffest test since his rise to prominence. Will the magical charm contained in Faber's deeply cleft chin triumph over Curran's eternally prepubescent voice? I must know!

3. Wanderlei Silva vs. Chuck Liddell

This fight has lost a little of its luster for me, but it's still pretty compelling. I'm pulling for Wanderlei, because Chuck Liddell never offered that I call him up if I need help (even if I just have problems with my car or something) and Wanderlei did. Plus, I hate the show Entourage.

2. Sokoudjou vs. Ryoto Machida

Unfortunately for Sokoudjou, the explosive ways that he finished Arona and Nogueira still have sort of a fluke-y air about them. If he can beat Machida, for me at least, he will be the real deal and a definite contender for the belt. The same goes for Machida, who is experiencing a step up in competition with this fight. A win for either fighter puts them right in line for a shot at Rampage.

1. Troy Mandaloniz vs. Richie Hightower

Man, you just know this is going to be great. Get this: the TUF season 6 contestants wanted to fight on the show, but Spike TV was scared that the fight would be so extreme that they didn't want to air it, so now we get to see it on the live finale! They're friends, but they both really want to fight each other, and they love to BANG, so you know it's going to be a knock-down-drag-out what the fuck? Georges St. Pierre and Matt Hughes are fighting for the title? Holy shit, I just soiled myself.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Five for Kimbo

Leading up to the last Elite XC show, a lot was made of the quality of Kimbo Slice's opposition. Initially he was to fight Tank Abbott in another promotion, but the deal fell through. Elite XC picked Kimbo up, but instead of matching him with Tank, signed Mike Bourke to fight him. When that second fight fell through, Bo Cantrell was signed on as a late replacement. Prior to all of this, Kimbo had one amateur MMA fight (albeit a highly publicized one) wherein he submitted Ray Mercer.

Regardless of the amount of derision the match-up drew from some circles, I think the match with Bo Cantrell, who was 10-10 going into the fight, was a pretty tall order for the relatively inexperienced Kimbo. And regardless of the odd way the fight ended (with Cantrell compulsively tapping out before Kimbo could land any apparently clean blows) it is to Kimbo's credit that he was able to triumph over a veteran of the sport.

I have been impressed with Kimbo. His respect for the intricacies of the sport and his dedication to training show that he isn't just cashing in. His seriousness combined with his notoriety and charisma could make him a real asset to any organization. The best way for this to happen is to bring Kimbo Slice along gradually, nurturing his career and building up his experience; throwing him in with a top 20 heavyweight at this stage is totally counter-productive.

With this in mind, I present to you who I feel should be the next five opponents for Kimbo Slice. Each match-up is made with the assumption that Kimbo won his previous fight, and that all fighters outside the UFC are possible contestants.

1. Tank Abbott (9-13-0)
This fight was supposed to happen months ago, so Elite XC might as well put it on to offer some closure. Abbott has a losing record, but at this point in Kimbo's career, this shouldn't be prohibitive for a prospective opponent.

Kimbo vs. Tank: Beards Collide
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2. Cabbage Correira (18-13-0)
While he would prove to be Kimbo's first opponent with a record above .500, Cabbage has lost 5 of his last 6 fights since 2006. He's also a big puncher, durable, and a veteran of the big show. This combination makes him a good opponent for a promising up and comer like Kimbo.


3. Wes Sims (19-11-1)
A fight with journeyman Wes Sims would check where Kimbo's head is after a string of wins, and confirm his ability to fight consistently. Sims doesn't pose too much of a threat, but losing to him would expose any glaring weaknesses. A necessary step, I believe.
Wes Sims' first fight with Frank Mir was one of the most horrifying things I had seen as a budding MMA fan. From hopping around and grinning like some crazed baboon in his corner, to gripping the fence as he stomped Mir in the face, he set just about one of the worst examples for in-cage behavior that any fighter could. Appropriately, Sims was later matched with similar bad egg Mike Kyle who, in order to escape a guillotine hold from Sims, bit him on the chest. Here is a picture of Wes Sims looking about as much like a preternaturally strong, brain-addled Southern man-child from a William Faulkner novel as any fighter could...
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4. Jonathan Wiezorek (11-2-0)
Wiezorek's record is impressive, but his method of fighting his utterly predictable. This would test Kimbo's versatility, as Wiezorek is a submission wrestler, and show us how well he can develop and follow a game plan. Wiezorek would pose a slightly different challenge than the last several opponents.

5. Travis Fulton (181-43-9)
While Fulton's record is impressive, most of his wins come against fighters with a losing average, or against similar journeyman fighters, like Wes Sims. It's practically a rite of passage--any fighter with hopes of making it out from the bottom of the barrel has used Fulton as a sounding board. Eric Pele did it, Forrest Griffin did it, Travis Wiuff, Vladimir Matyushenko, and Ian Freeman did it. So must Kimbo. Should he pass this final test, Kimbo would be ready to step up to face stronger opposition in the form of someone like Antonio Silva. Or Justin Eilers, who is the proud owner of one of the most cartoon-ish knock outs this side of Sean Salmon:
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Thursday, November 22, 2007

5 Fights to Straighten out the UFC's 205 lb Division

A long series of upsets have left the UFC's light-heavyweight division in disarray. With no apparent challenger lined up for champion Rampage Jackson, I thought I might indulge in a bit of fantasy match-making. Below are five fights that I feel would establish two consecutive, number one contenders, and help sort out the division.

1. Forrest Griffin vs. Keith Jardine
This rematch needs to take place. Jardine beat Griffin, but went on to lose to Alexander. Griffin went on to beat Hector Ramirez. Then Griffin and Jardine went on to upset what were considered the number 1 and 3 light-heavyweight fighters, respectively: Shogun Rua and Chuck Liddell. The trajectory of their careers has changed drastically, from B-level reality show stars to Top 10 fighters. Having knocked off the two contenders at the top, Griffin and Jardine should rematch to determine who Rampage fights next.

2. Shogun Rua vs. Thiago Silva
Initially I was going to suggest Shogun vs. Sobral, but with Sobral getting cut from the UFC and signing with Strikeforce I really don't see that happening, so just forget it. By knocking out world-beater Houston Alexander, Silva put himself on the fast-track to a title shot. Shogun's stellar extra-promotional accomplishments still hold a lot of clout, so he is still in the mix, albeit a few more fights away from the top since his disastrous loss to Griffin. A win here ought to contribute significantly to a title shot.

3. Winner of Shogun vs. Silva versus Winner of Sokoudjou vs. Ryoto Machida
Sokoudjou/Machida cannot serve as a number one contender fight, as neither have been visible enough in the UFC--for Sokoudjou, it's because this will be his first fight for the promotion, and for Machida, it's because he's been in the dark bouts, or in boring televised fights. A win here would be significant, though, setting either of them up as being only two fights away from a title shot.

4. Winner of fight 3 vs. Winner of Wanderlei Silva vs. Chuck Liddell
This is my next number one contender fight. Two victories over top-level opposition would put Liddell in line for a legit title shot, despite his two losses to Rampage. Similarly, two victories plus his PRIDE FC credentials (which include two wins over Rampage) would set Wanderlei up nicely for a run at the champ, should he get past the winner of fight 3. And if Shogun, Silva, Sokoudjou, or Machida make it this far, they would have definitely earned their spot.

5. Loser of Griffin vs. Jardine versus Winner of Jason Lambert vs. Wilson Gouveia
This fight would help inject some fresh talent into the title race. Lambert has shown a move towards the upper echelon with his TKO win over Renato Sobral. A win over Lambert would do the same thing for Gouveia. For either of these fighters to convincingly take a step up the UFC ranks, they would have to get past either Griffin or Jardine.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Superlist: UFC 78 - Validation

1. "I'm a full grown man...he's going to have his hands a little more full [with my weiner]."
Everyone's favorite whiner Ed Herman settled a score that no one knew (or cared) he had last Saturday when he avenged a loss against "El Dirte" Joe Doerksen. Having all the charisma of a dribble of spit dangling from a man's lip (say now...) Herman seems to think that the way to make an impression is to walk, talk, and fight like you have a huge chip on your shoulder. Someone should clue him in--Chris Leben, the Diaz brothers, Tim Sylvia, Rashad Evans, Phil Baroni, Karo Parisyan, and Manny Gamburyan all have the same shtick. It wouldn't be so bad, even, if the whole thing didn't apparently originate from draft day on TUF 3, when Tito Ortiz didn't recognize Herman and his credentials, let alone pick him for the team. Ol' "Short Fuse" spent the rest of the season on Shamrock's team crying about how he didn't care about Tito anymore, and that he was going to prove Tito wrong. It was like watching a girl talk about how much she hates a guy, when you know all she does is pop girl-wood when she thinks about him.

2. Old dog...
learned a new trick last Saturday, when Jason Reinhardt learned to fight someone with a winning record. He also learned to lose. Buh-haw-haw-haw! Eh.... Honestly, listening to guys like Reinhardt go on about how old school they are, and how they have been fighting since someone like Joe Lauzon was 12 is so irritating. They become caricatures of themselves, and it just damns them further once they get smoked. I wonder if they really believe in what they're saying, or if they figure that they don't have any other advantage going for them, so they just invoke their seniority, and start telling really long stories that don't go anywhere in an effort to impress us. In addition to angry explanations about how far he walked to school in the winter, Reinhardt's presence in the UFC is further confusing because he normally fights at 135. And Zuffa-owned WEC has a 135 pound weight class. Joking aside, I'm sure he's a good guy, and ought to be given a legitimate chance to flourish at a weight class he can at least physically, if not in terms of performance, measure up to.

3. Me so Sleepy
When the fight card for 78 was announced, there were basically two camps: one that said this was the worst card ever (based mainly on the weakness of the main event) and another that insisted that while there was no big-ticket fight, all of the matches were compelling, and it would be a great event anyway. I was part of the latter group, but now I don't know how to feel. Not a single one of the fights had the fireworks that I expected. I guess they were just bad style match-ups. Parisyan/Chonan was particularly boring, despite my affinity for both fighters. Oddly enough, the most reviled fight on the card, the main event of Evans/Bisping, played out to be one of the more exciting fights.

4. Captain Obvious
It seems like pretty much everyone but the man himself saw it coming: Houston Alexander would lose by getting put on his back. His post-fight antics after knocking Keith Jardine out didn't win him any favor with me, but since then I've grown to really like him, and was pulling for him to win. Imagine my excitement followed by immediate disappointment, then, when Alexander lifted Thiago Silva up (by his chin, no less) and slammed him to the mat, only to be quickly reversed and TKO'd. Many figured that as a BJJ black belt, Silva would keep Alexander on the mat until he finished him, but I didn't think it would come so apparently easy. Alexander appeared totally clueless on his back, making no discernibly significant moves to improve his position. This is strange to me, considering that everyone leading up to this fight seemed to spot where the disparity in talents between the two fighters lay. Had he tried a basic escape, only to fail because of Silva's developed ground game, I wouldn't fault him as much, but it looked like Alexander barely trained beyond his normal routine. Why, man?! WHY?! I told my friends and family about what a destroyer this guy was, and now they think I'm some sort of learning-deficient goof. The moral of the story is to never talk to your family about Houston Alexander.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Superlist: Strikeforce - Four Men Enter, One Man Survives

1. Turd of the Night
Still working hard to create a world where hyped-up, cash-cow grudge matches are all it takes to be considered best in the world, Frank Shamrock chose to challenge Cung Le for his next fight. This, as opposed to the winner of the four man middleweight tournament, the purpose of which was to crown an unofficial number one contender for Shamrock. Characteristically, Cung Le enthusiastically accepted the fight, and verbally sidestepped Shamrock's best attempts at turning the announcement into a bitter showdown.
As classy and dynamic a fighter as he is, though, Cung Le took two and a half rounds to put away sacrificial lamb Sam Morgan, and showed pretty large gaps in his offensive arsenal. Meanwhile, Jorge Santiago (the tournament's eventual winner) dispatched both Sean Salmon and Trevor Prangley (the tournament's heavy favorite) with relative ease. It's obvious that Shamrock is trying to cash in as much as possible while at the same time ensuring that the latter days of his career are filled with wins. He seems to be picking his fights carefully, and chose to fight Cung Le now, before he develops any ground-and-pound skills or a submission game. Without a title shot, Santiago will have to be content that Shamrock chose to conveniently ignore the tournament winner in favor of an easier fight.

2. "Don't Fear Me, Fear the Consequences"
Poor Paul Buentello (or Buenatello, as his trainer calls him). He seemed unable to deal with upper-level competition in the UFC but, being pretty exciting and kind of a nice guy (with one of the best catch phrases in the sport) I had kind of hoped that he'd found his place in the sun fighting for Strikeforce. Then Alistair Overeem, appearing more or less like a living comic book character, had to knee the doughy Buentello's liver up his spine and, undoubtedly, into that fragile man's beating heart (full of hopes and dreams, as it was).

3. "Fatherless Bastard"
Sluggish as ever, the redundant wonder Bobby Southworth proved unable to deal with a level of opposition characterized by 1. not being undersized (see vs. Bill Mahood) and 2. having a pulse (see vs. Vernon White). I was surprised back when Strikeforce first announced Southworth as one of their contenders. Here's a fighter whose most memorable moment on television was an exhibition of weak character and fighting spirit as he was tearfully dragged back into the sauna; this from a guy who was, according to some in the TUF house, the favorite to win the competition, and the team's "leader."
Ridiculously, Southworth is still the Strikeforce light-heavyweight champion, as the fight was a non-title affair. Renato Sobral will have the honor of taking it from him sometime in 2008.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Top 15 Lightweight

1. Takanori "Fireball Kid" Gomi
With his submission loss to Nick Diaz ruled a "no-decision," Gomi gets to retain his spot at the top. A vengeful win over Marcus Aurelio (the last man to officially beat him), a knock out over Mitsuhiro Ishida, and a lengthy, impressive fight history cement his place as number 1.

2. Gesias "JZ" Calvancanti
I believe Calvancanti belongs ahead of the rest not only because of who he has wins over, but the way in which he's finished the fights. Along the way to his 14-1-1 record he has won the last two K-1 Heroes Grand Prix titles.

3. Gilbert "El Nino" Melendez
Moving up in weight to beat the likes of Tatsuya Kawajiri proves Melendez as a top-notch lightweight. Because his last few fights have gone to decision (including an incredibly close fight with the aforementioned Kawajiri), and because he has been relatively inactive, I've placed him just below Calvancanti in the pecking order.

4. Vitor "Shaolin" Ribeiro
Ribeiro slips ahead of Tatsuya Kawajiri, despite his recent loss to him, for a couple reasons. First, the loss was almost three years ago and, it was the second of a pair of matches the two have split between them. Secondly, Ribeiro has remained more active than Kawajiri who is, unfortunately, stuck in the post-PRIDE limbo.

5. Tatsuya "Crusher" Kawajiri
Kawajiri definitely has one of the sweetest nicknames in the business. It's very classic without being a total cliche (as in "the Pitbull" and "the Assassin") and yet remains descriptive without being too ridiculous or peculiar (like "The Huntington Beach Bad Boy" or "Shaolin") and also threatening, without going overboard (as in "The Axe Murderer" or "Fedor Emelianenko").

6. Sean "Muscle Shark" Sherk
Sherk gets to stay in the rankings, despite allegations of steroid abuse, because the appeals process hasn't been resolved yet. Wins over Kenny Florian and Hermes Franca (in combination with certain key lightweights' inactivity) help his case. "Muscle Shark" is another pretty good nickname. It originates with the Japanese fans, who couldn't pronounce his last name, hence the slight non-sequiter-like quality to it. Of course, "Muscle Sherk" doesn't make a lot of sense either.

7. Mitsuhiro Ishida
Ishida beat Marcus Aurelio when a lot of people thought Aurelio was number one in the world (for submitting Gomi). He hasn't fought in a long time, so he's dropped pretty far down the ranks. I'm not sure what Ishida's nickname is. Sherdog called him "The Endless Fighter," which is pretty amazing. That's pretty ambitious. Here's a picture from a Marx Brothers movie where they went to Japan and tossed banana peels all over a boxing ring:
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What a beautiful dancer he is.

8. Joe "Daddy" Stevenson
Joe Stevenson is called "Daddy" because he is a father. This is not a very good nickname. Anyway, if he's going to go for plainly descriptive, he should call himself "Impinging Hairline" or "Ol' Hairy Forehead." This is because his head of hair starts at his eyebrows.

9. Tyson Griffin
Griffin gets on the list for a string of impressive wins, including Clay Guida and Thiago Tavares. His win over Guida was a close call, but I think he deserved the nod for landing the stronger, more significant strikes in the fight.

10. Clay "The Carpenter" Guida

Guida gets awarded a spot at 10 for a dominant performance over Aurelio. I feel really bad about not mentioning that Gomi's nickname "The Fireball Kid" is pretty good. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but after thinking it over for a while, I've concluded that I like it, and that it deserves mention on this list. I'm deeply sorry for not saying this sooner.

11. Joachim Hansen
Hansen drops out of the illustrious upper 2/3 of this list for his recent loss to the unheralded Eiji Mitsuoka, and for the fact that the last big name he beat was this asshole:
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If I saw this guy on the street, I would not say anything to his face, because I would recognize him from when I noted his fight record and saved his picture. But I would think to myself "You looked like an asshole in that one picture of you."

12. Roger "El Matador" Huerta
I put Huerta on the list for his excellent record against fair competition. "El Matador" is kind of a strange, contradictory nickname for an aggressive fighter. They should call him "Mexican Wet Dream" because one, he's handsome, and two...I forget what two is.

13. Frank "The Answer" Edgar
This is kind of a weird addition to the list, but following such a strong win over Tyson Griffin, I thought I'd include him. However, his experience is pretty slight compared to the last few guys preceding him, so he gets put below Griffin.

14. BJ "The Prodigy" Penn

Normally, when some sentimental guys get together and get drunk, they cry over their mothers, or the fate of their homelands. When my friend and I drink, we tear our hair out over BJ Penn. Potentially speaking, I believe BJ Penn is the greatest pound for pound fighter there is, and is in the running for greatest of all time generally. If he were firing on all cylinders, I think he could be lightweight and welterweight champion, and have a decent shot at the middleweight title, too. His notoriously lax training regimen (which, since his win over Jens Pulver, he swears he's given up) and his occasional lack of focus or interest have continually proved to be his downfall, and caused my heart to explode in fury and anguish. If only he could fulfill his potential, and make my wildest dreams come true...the one where he crushes Matt Hughes' skull and Jesus Christ high-fives Penn for doing him a real favor, and then he rides a horse to my house, and whisks me away to a magical place where he, my girlfriend, and I can all get married because I love you, BJ Penn but I love my girlfriend, too, and I just wish I didn't have to choose between the two of you.

15. Marcus "Maximus" Aurelio
Aurelio beat Gomi convincingly only to lose the rematch. Because he lost by a pretty questionable judges' decision, his submission win over Gomi still has some significance. And yet, because he lost his last two fights (one to the previously unranked Clay Guida) Aurelio falls to 15.

Notably missing from this list is Hayato "Mach" Sakurai. He hasn't fought at lightweight in a year. His fight against Mac Danzig in February of this year might have kept him in the running, but the fight was suspiciously changed at the last minute to welterweight (Sakurai, at the weigh-ins shortly after, came in heavy). I used to think "Mach" was a really cool nickname, and that it referred to how he moved really fast. But then I heard it pronounced "Ma-ha" and now I don't know what the hell it means.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Top 15 Welterweight

1. Matt Serra
Putting Serra at the top of the welterweight food chain is problematic for several obvious reasons - he hasn't done that much work at welterweight, and, with the exception of his knockout win over Georges St. Pierre, the work he has done at the weight hasn't been significant. Because of the somewhat uninspired performance by former top welterweight Matt Hughes against Chris Lytle, there isn't anyone else to legitimately hold the spot, though.
This isn't to say that I don't like Matt Serra. Despite Hughes' pout-y assertions to the contrary, I think Serra is good for the sport - charismatic, entertaining, and personable. In a way, Serra is what Dana White tries to be: a guy with a big personality who, despite his lack of refinement, is able to keep the attention of fans, media, and corporate folks. The difference, of course, is that Serra seems like a genuinely good guy. Meanwhile, what Dana White tries to pass off as "tough love" is actually just him being a bully and a prick.

2. Georges St. Pierre
Despite his shocking loss to formerly unranked Serra, St. Pierre sits pretty high on the list thanks to his wins over highly regarded fighters like Frank Trigg, Sean Sherk, Matt Hughes, and Josh Koshceck.
Hearing about the friction between Serra and St. Pierre makes me pretty sad. Apparently Serra took umbrage at some of St. Pierre's comments in which he said that an injury had prevented him from having a full training camp and, had he been fighting somebody else, he probably would have asked to reschedule the fight but because Serra seemed to pose such a small threat, he went ahead and took the fight anyway. I don't know if Serra should fault St. Pierre so much. Considering his record and past performances relative to St. Pierre's, nobody thought that Serra posed a threat to him. So long as St. Pierre doesn't go around crowing that it was a fluke I'd think his formerly poor estimation of Serra could be forgiven.
Part of the reason I like St. Pierre so much is that, according to this photo, he is Chinese, just like me:

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3. Matt Hughes
I would have considered placing Matt Hughes back at the number one spot given his career-spanning accomplishments at the weight class, except for the fact that his last victory was over the un-ranked Chris Lytle. Initially Matt Hughes was one of my favorite fighters. His strength, high-level of performance, and grit really impressed me. Today I still look forward to seeing him fight, but can't bring myself to look up to him, if you get my distinction. While the issue of his character is debated endlessly with no one having enough evidence to completely prove him to be either an asshole or a truly super dude, I am one of the people who find him to be arrogant, simultaneously insulting and overly defensive, and, based on his attitude during his stints on The Ultimate Fighter, selfish and a little racist. Having said that, you just can't deny his in-cage accomplishments, so "Country Breakfast" stays near the top.

4. Jon Fitch

5. Josh Koscheck

6. Karo Parisyan

Here's another fighter who I look forward to seeing, despite his questionable, personal qualities. He seemed like a no-nonsense kind of guy, but his scuffle with Nate Diaz on TUF 6 showed him to be a bully and a bit of an egomaniac. I hoped that maybe the show had just been edited to (for some reason) color him as an asshole, but in an interview on Sherdog's Beatdown radio show, Parisyan didn't bother stating that he was portrayed incorrectly, necessarily, just that he didn't see what was wrong with how he acted. He's an exciting fighter, though, so what can you do? Watch him on TV but don't double-date with him, I guess. Incidentally, I think Parisyan has performed well enough to almost erase his loss to Diego Sanchez. That, combined with Sanchez dropping two fights in a row, has Parisyan slip just ahead of Sanchez.

7. Diego Sanchez

8. Jake Shields

9. Carlos Condit
I think Carlos Condit looks a lot like Bill S. Preston Esquire, except with black hair. And the whole mixed martial arts thing, I guess. His performances against both John Alessio and Brock Larson were really impressive. In combination with his wins over Frank Trigg and Renato Verissimo, I put Condit at 9.

10. Shinya Aoki
Aoki just moved up from lightweight, where most of his career was spent, which is why I placed him at 10. His win over Akira Kikuchi shows that he's a top welterweight, but Condit's welterweight resume is a little more substantial. The first time I saw Aoki fight was during PRIDE Shockwave 2006 against Joachim Hansen. His rainbow pants totally blew me away, and the gogoplata wasn't too shabby. In the time honored tradition of people copying things they see on TV, a friend and I proceeded to try and figure out how to get a pair of those rainbow pants...I mean... how to gogoplata each other?

11. Marcus Davis

12. Josh Burkman

13. Drew Fickett

It seems like Fickett goes largely forgotten. He has suffered some pretty untimely losses, which might contribute to his being unrecognized. He seemed to be picking up steam, for example, after his wins over Josh Neer and Koscheck, but then lost to Josh Burkman. He's fighting in HDNET's organization now, which will probably see him rack up wins over lower-level competition before entering the big stage again.
Fickett infamously lost a grappling match to TUF season 6 punchline Andy Wang. As one might guess, Andy Wang thought he could best represent the Chinese people and his warrior spirit after the match by running and jumping around like a little kid, ignoring a sportsmanlike handshake from Fickett. Thanks so much, Andy Wang. You're the greatest asset to favorable perceptions of China since the tank that was going to run over the protester in that Tienanmen Square picture.

14. Brock Larson

One of my favorite moments from a fight of the last few months is when Brock Larson shoves Kevin Knabjan halfway across the ring before knocking him out in 20 seconds. Also, his name sounds tough, and his face looks like a cartoon:
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I put Larson at 14 because he has a great deal of strong wins over somewhat mediocre competition. He's ahead of Akira Kikuchi, though, because of Kikuchi's recent, uneven performances.

15. Akira Kikuchi

I'm going by three things when I put Kikuchi on this list, because I haven't actually had the pleasure of seeing any of his fights. First of all, he was up until recently ranked on MMAWeekly's top 10 list. Secondly, his record has what look like some pretty good highlights (including a win over Jake Shields). But thirdly, and most importantly, is his profile picture on Sherdog:
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Basically, what we have here is Akira Kikuchi telling me "Sure man, why not?"

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Top 15 Middleweight

This time around I'm going to forgo the explanations for every fighter, and just address the ones that I think are interesting or debatable. A lot of them are kind of self explanatory or widely accepted anyway.

1. Anderson Silva

2. Paulo Filho

3. Dan Henderson

Henderson hasn't fought at middleweight in more than a year, and the last time he did, he lost a decision to Kazuo Misaki. However, looking back on his middleweight career to the turn of the millenium, he is otherwise undefeated. That, in combination with Franklin's recent loss to Anderson Silva, puts Henderson at three.

4. Rich Franklin
I've turned it over a lot in my brain, and I've determined that I like Rich Franklin. The whole middle-American, good-ol-boy, power Christian aura he sometimes has put me off for awhile, but I'm over it. He's gracious in defeat (even when it's to a foreigner in his hometown) and he doesn't really push the Christian thing in other people's faces. He can be kind of fay sometimes, which is funny. Did Franklin and hanger-on Jorge Gurgel spoon tenderly after their brutal losses last month? Indisputably YES.

5. Robbie Lawler
Putting Lawler ahead of Matt Lindland is a bit of a dicey proposition, but if we're talking recent accomplishments, Lawler delivers more than Lindland. Lindland notably holds recent wins over Jeremy Horn and a fading Carlos Newton. While a win over Horn is good, it doesn't mean as much as Lawler's knockouts of Joey Villasenor, Frank Trigg, and Murilo Rua.

6. Matt Lindland
This poor bastard has one of the worst profile pictures on Sherdog.

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It looks like he just shit his pants. Or like he wasn't sure if he shit his pants, and decided to clench his ass cheeks to check. Then the realization hit him full force, the proof was undeniable, and this look of profound disgust was seen to have passed across his face.

7. Yushin Okami

8. Nate Marquardt

9. Yoshihiro Akiyama
Knocking out Denis Kang puts Akiyama in the ranks, but his record is too spare compared to both Okami and Marquardt to put him any higher. A lot was made of his possibly cheating against Sakuraba last year by greasing his legs and therefore being able to avoid any take- downs. I'm still not certain of it. It's not hard to imagine that K-1 would eagerly support the accusations of their (at the time) newly acquired cash cow Sakuraba. The only piece of evidence was a locker room interview with Akiyama, conducted while he rubbed moisturizer on his legs. The thing is that moisturizer isn't illegal, and you'd think that if someone were cheating, they would try to keep it a secret by not cheating in the middle of being videotaped. An inordinate amount of moisturizer could be objected to, but when the referee checked him before the fight, he gave him the OK. Add to that some anti-Korean sentiment in Japan (Akiyama being ethnically Korean), and the whole thing seems pretty suspicious.

10. Denis Kang

11. Frank Trigg
Frank Trigg retired from welterweight competition after being submitted by Carlos Condit (who, incidentally, also provoked thoughts of retirement from Renato Verissimo). Trigg came back at middleweight to defeat both Jason Miller (who was the Icon Sport champion at the time) and PRIDE welterweight Grand Prix winner Kazuo Misaki before getting knocked out by Lawler. I used to hate Frank Trigg. His antics during stare-downs and his pre-fight interviews were pretty distasteful to me. But at some point I think he admitted that it was just part of the game, and he didn't mean it personally. Did he say that or did I just imagine it? All I know now for sure is that my girlfriend has a Triggonomics shirt.

12. Kazuo Misaki

13. Jason Miller
Wackiness aside, Miller is a legitimate contender. His submission of Robbie Lawler alludes to his worth, but his loss to Trigg leaves some question as to how consistently he can keep up with tough opposition.

14. Joey Villasenor
This is a tough call to make. On the one hand, he has a good record, but on the other hand, he has those stupid strings of hair dangling in front of his face whenever he fights. With losses to Murilo Rua and Lawler, but wins over David Loisseau, Riki Fukuda, and Jorge Santiago, Villasenor creeps onto the list.

15. Jorge Santiago/Murilo Ninja Rua
Once again, I take the easy way out and hand in a draw. Ninja's middleweight record is kind of a mixed bag, having lost a lot of questionable decisions. He won by TKO over Villasenor in a back and forth fight, but went on to lose pretty spectacularly to Lawler. Despite beating Villasenor, I put Ninja at the bottom because of his gross inconsistency.
Santiago is kind of a weird choice. He had an unremarkable run in the UFC, but since then has won two fights, finishing former top-contenders Andrei Semenov and Jeremy Horn.

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However, when it comes to cute smiles, Ninja has Santiago beat.

Top 15 Light-Heavyweight

1. Quinton Rampage Jackson
Wins over Chuck Liddell and Dan Henderson put Rampage in the top spot. Things looked pretty bad for Rampage in the latter days of his PRIDE career, but a new training camp with Juanito Ibarra has done him a world of good. Ibarra was one of the acting cutmen at the IFL show in Chicago. He seems like a really good guy. I wonder if when he's fixing up Vladimir Matyushenko he imagines Rampage beating him up, and he gets really excited and starts rubbing Matyushenko's cut really hard with the q-tip. And when Matyushenko says "Ow, what the hell, man? What are you imagining while you are fixing my cuts?" Ibarra has to say "Nothing at all," even though we all know the real deal with what he was imagining.

2. Dan Henderson
Despite a spare 205 lb record, Henderson squeaks into second place for a few reasons: he recently knocked out Wanderlei Silva, and Liddell and Shogun Rua just lost to formerly unranked fighters. Sherdog.com still has his nickname as "Hollywood." I think that name is much better than "Dangerous," which I believe is the name that the UFC has been using for him. "Hollywood" is a funny nickname because Dan Henderson is very un-Hollywood, being that he is missing his two front teeth and has dark skin. For a brief moment, he was called "America's Best," which is also the name of an eyeglasses franchise.

3. Wanderlei Silva
Much like Henderson, Wanderlei finds himself in the top three in part because of Liddell and Shogun's recent losses. The last two years have been tough on Wanderlei at light-heavyweight, but his older victories still recommend him highly.
Sometimes you want to go dancing with Wanderlei Silva:

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But other times you are afraid his face is going to fall off:

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4. Keith Jardine
Keith Jardine earns his spot for a really strong decision win over Liddell, and, prior to that, a knockout over fellow spoiler Forrest Griffin. He also earns this spot for having the courage, despite being a senior citizen with the shakes, to step into the cage and compete. Wait, oh my god, he's only 32. Sometimes we call him "Blast Off."

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5. Forrest Griffin
Griffin's surprising win over Shogun puts him at 5. Had Griffin won by something like a close decision, Shogun's previous accomplishments might have still put him ahead. However, Griffin more or less trounced him before forcing a tap out in the third round, which counts for a lot.

6. Mauricio Shogun Rua
Wanderlei Silva's heir to the Chute Boxe alpha male status, Shogun tore through the last PRIDE middleweight grand prix, but fizzled out in his UFC debut to Forrest Griffin. I'm looking forward to a return to form. I saw him in a copy of Vogue, in some article about Brazil, carrying a beautiful woman on his shoulders. I don't see why they didn't go with Wanderlei. Wait, wait...

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Yes I do.

7. Chuck Liddell
Having lost two consecutive fights puts Liddell at number seven. I can't tell if he is charismatic or not. Some people say he isn't, but then everyone loves him, and they put him on TV, so he must have something. You can't deny his credentials, but for some reason he was never one of my personal favorites. It might be because Randy Couture was my first, favorite fighter and, unfortunately, the first pay-per-view my family ever watched was of Liddell knocking Couture out (and into retirement). Maybe Liddell is actually really awesome and this traumatic experience just prevents me from totally letting him into my heart. Like if you saw Santa Claus kicking the shit out of your grandfather. Both are good to you, but seeing Santa Claus wail on your own flesh and blood sort of leaves a bad taste in your mouth no matter what.

8. Sokoudjou
Sokoudjou made a huge splash earlier this year, taking out Rogerio Nogueira and Ricardo Arona in under three minutes total. There is still some speculation that he is a fluke-ish powerhouse--not many have seen how he performs once he's been roughed up, or how he fights in the long run. It looks like he won't be competing again this year, but another solid performance early in 2008 will keep him cozy on the list. In magazines they always show him posing with gazelle and lions and other African animals, I guess because he's from Africa. But so is Charlize Theron, and it's not like they ever show her about to wrestle a giraffe. I just don't understand why they won't release the pictures of her about to wrestle a giraffe.

9. Ricardo Arona

Nogueira getting knocked out by Sokoudjou is one thing, because it was a surprise. But you'd think that Brazilian Top Team would have developed some game plan for Arona. I guess it's like that famous saying from Mike Tyson: "Damn it, Arona, stop going into fights with your chin sticking out." Wins over Alistair Overeem and Wanderlei Silva keep Arona just ahead of his fellow team mate.

10. Rogerio Nogueira
Once thought to be indestructible, Nogueira suffered the first stoppage of his career to Sokoudjou. Two wins over Overeem and one over Dan Henderson keeps him afloat despite the aforementioned loss, and dropping a decision to Shogun. It seemed like he was going on hiatus from MMA to pursue boxing, but then it turns out he signed with HCF in Canada (along with Aleksander Emelianenko). He looks just like his twin brother, which doesn't seem strange until you figure that they must have each gotten beat up exactly the same way to continue looking like each other.

11. Tito Ortiz
I went back and forth on whether Ortiz should go ahead or behind of Evans, but I decided that his overall record is a little better, so he eeks by. A lot of people put Evans ahead of Ortiz after they fought to a draw. However, before grabbing the fence which led to a point deduction for Ortiz and the draw (yet another mistake in a long line of bad life choices, which includes taking a melting porn witch as your significant other) Ortiz was on his way to taking a solid decision over Evans. And wins over Shamrock, Griffin, and Vitor Belfort aren't as shabby as people make them out to be. He stays here for now, but depending on if and how badly Evans beats Michael Bisping, the two could be trading spots.

12. Rashad Evans/Jason Lambert
This was a close one to call, so I just copped out and made it a draw. Evans knocked out Lambert, but went on to give a pretty weak effort against Tito Ortiz. Lambert, meanwile, lost to Evans, but went on to knock out former Top 10 mainstay Renato Sobral. I figure this makes them just about even. But again, a more active career on Evans' part will probably afford him a rise in the ranks. If there was a ranking for most off-putting physiques, I think Lambert would probably be on it. He moved down from heavyweight, and brought a lot of what can only be called Errant Torso Skin Flaps with him.

14. Renato Babalu Sobral
Two consecutive losses (before infamously choking David Heath into unconsciousness) keep Babalu low on the list. It looks like he could climb back up the ranks whenever he wants, though. Despite the KO losses to Liddell and Lambert, Babalu handily wins over lesser competition (which seems redundant until you consider the case of BJ Penn). A move to Strikeforce will likely see him string some wins together and step back into the limelight.

15. Ryoto Machida
I had a choice between Machida or Overeem for the number fifteen spot, and went with Machida because, though he hasn't been facing as tough of competition as Overeem, he's been winning. I really like Overeem, and feel bad that he has been doing so poorly. There was some talk of him moving to heavyweight, which seems kind of ridiculous considering he hadn't exactly cleaned up the light-heavyweight division. Anyway, I think a knockout loss to Kharitonov might have stymied any such ambitions. Regarding Machida, I'd like to see the UFC intensify his level of opposition.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Top 15 Heavyweight

The SquishingMachine Heavyweight Top 15:

1. Fedor Emelianenko
This is pretty obvious. In every way but technically, Fedor is undefeated. In PRIDE's heyday, he bested every one of their best heavyweights in spectacular fashion, including Nogueira, Herring, Coleman, Cro Cop, Fujita, and Hunt. His accomplishments in the last two years are pretty dubious, but the rest of his resume trumps that fact. However, his hold on the number one spot is tenuous. If he doesn't soon find some competition befitting the number one heavyweight in the sport, he will lose his spot.

2. Randy Couture
Taking the UFC belt from Sylvia in dominating fashion, and tko'ing Gabriel Gonzaga (who knocked out Cro Cop) puts Couture at number 2. Normally, having only two recent fights at a weight class wouldn't earn you a top spot in the rankings. But considering how Couture won his last two fights, who he fought, and the recent, un-inspired performances by other heavyweights, I think Couture belongs here.

3. Rodrigo Nogueira
I'm honestly not sure how to feel about Nogueira. Beating Werdum, splitting a pair of matches with Barnett, and beating a fading Heath Herring don't seem like enough (at first) to qualify him. But then, there isn't anyone else more qualified, either. Distant wins over Cro Cop and Kharitonov give him credit, but that decision over Ricco Rodriguez was junk. If only that fight had gone Ricco's way, maybe he wouldn't have descended into obesity, and always get so sleepy whenever Ron Waterman punches him in the face:

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4. Josh Barnett
Wins over Hunt, Nogueira, Aleksander Emelianenko and...Pawel Nastula...earn Barnett his spot. He lost to Cro Cop three times, which is more or less extreme. I saw a Josh Barnett t-shirt while I was in Tokyo. It said "Josh Metal" and had a picture of him like he was half robot. There was also a toy of him, but it cost too many Japanese dollars for me to buy.

5. Gabriel Gonzaga
Gonzaga's ko over Cro Cop puts him at five. He was impressive in his loss to Couture, also, which I think proofs that he isn't a flash in the pan. His fight with Werdum will be really telling. I was thinking of putting Sylvia here, but a win over Arlovski doesn't seem as significant as a win over Cro Cop. His profile on Sherdog makes him look like a Brazilian Ryan Phillipe, but he's certainly a lot wackier looking than that. Arlovski could learn a lesson from Gonzaga and, like some retarded version of Samson, commence growth of the back and shoulder hair immediately.

6. Tim Sylvia
With two wins over Arlovski, and wins over good, if not stellar competition like Vera, Monson, and Assuerio Silva, Sylvia clocks in at six. If he had won in more impressive fashion, I think I would put him above Gonzaga. He used to be one of my favorite heavyweights, but these days, unless he is prepared for an interview, it seems like bullshit flows from his mustachioed mouth all the time. He catches a lot of shit for being goofy, clumsy, and having a shitty nickname. This hardly seems fair...

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But then you see a picture like that. He's called the "Maine-iac" because he goes crazy, but he's also from the state of Maine. I'm kidding, of course. He's from Delaware.

7. Andrei Arlovski
I feel that this guy doesn't get enough respect. However over-rated some people said he was, the fact remains that he carried the UFC heavyweight division for a long time. Losses to Sylvia force him into the number seven spot, despite a recent win over Fabricio Werdum. It will take another significant win (by some way other than a defensive decision win) to erase his two losses to Sylvia. Incidentally, I heard that Arlovski was going to be on Jerry Springer as a "guest bouncer." I thought I would get to see him toss some white trash through a set piece or something, but all I got was an hour of three fat rednecks who like to eat food and be messy, and Arlovski standing in the background grinning. I'm hesitant to admit it, but ultimately I think it was a little demeaning (for Arlovski, not the rednecks).

8. Fabricio Werdum
Werdum's place on this high on the list is pretty unstable. The most notable win of his recent career is Aleksander Emelianenko, whose stock may actually drop a little bit if he wastes away in Canada's HCF, contending with lesser opposition. And as little of a fight as people say Arlovski put up, Werdum seemed to put up even less.

9. Aleksander Emelianenko
Aleksander has won four of his last five fights, finishing them in the first round, which is impressive. But only Kharitonov and (loosely speaking) Eric Pele can be seen as approaching elite competition. He got his block knocked off by Cro Cop, but that was a long time ago, so he squeaks ahead of Filipovic in the rankings. I used to hate Aleks' tattoos, but now I think they are sort of rad. I'm not sure what to feel about a man with an image of the grim reaper cradling a child stuck to his back except fear. At the same time, facially, he resembles this goofy kid who I used to go to Tae Kwon Do class with. He put forth such little effort that the instructor more or less gave up and just let him kind of stumble through class. Sometimes, when we had our fists up to begin drills, it looked like he was falling asleep, using his hand like a pillow. What a guy.

10. Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic
Really, if you think about it, Cro Cop's nickname is just as bad as "The Maine-iac." He is a Croatian cop, so they take the first syllable of each word and a star is born. Nobody makes as much fun of it, though. Maybe it's cultural--it would be unfair to criticize a foreigner's nick-naming habits, just as it would be unfair to criticize a foreign people for electing a kickboxer to parliament. To my whole family's dismay, Cro Cop has crash-and-burned this last year, losing to two previously unranked fighters, and falling from second in the world (in my opinion) to just about here.

11. Cheick Kongo
Usually I would place Kongo ahead of Cro Cop on the simple basis that the former beat the latter. However, Cro Cop's record is too good to ignore, just as Kongo's record is too spare. I was really excited over Kongo in the UFC, but his loss to Marrero, and his weak decision win over Assuerio Silva have sort of tempered my enthusiasm.

12. Mark Hunt
Mark Hunt is pretty damn cool. That accent always catches me off guard. His record isn't so great, but his win over Cro Cop, still of recent memory, leaves a big impression. He also seems to have almost finished Fedor, which gives him some clout in my eyes. Fedor said that the kimura Hunt put on him wasn't close, but I kind of suspect that he's just saying that to avoid showing any possible weakness and shaming the Russian empire.

13. Sergei Kharitonov
Kharitonov seems to be putting himself back together. Wins over Werdum and Rizzo did him good, but after his losses to Overeem and Aleksander, and a shaky win over fourth-stringer Michael Russow, his stock dropped pretty far. A recent, vengeful win over Overeem keeps Kharitonov afloat. Here is a picture of him in camouflage:

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Judging by his apparel, this military operation takes place in a scoop of chocolate chip ice cream floating through a clear-blue sky.

14. Brandon Vera
His loss to Tim Sylvia was pretty disappointing, especially since he admittedly ignored his corner's game plan. His wins in the big show are otherwise spectacular. His dance is totally sweet, I don't know why people get down on him about it.

15. Ben Rothwell
I'm kind of going out on a limb here, but I have to say that Rothwell has performed pretty admirably. Stepping into the ring with more or less unheralded competition keeps him low on the list, but a 12 fight win streak is impressive nonetheless. I saw him at the recent IFL show in Chicago, and he was really good humored about questions regarding his contract dispute with the IFL and absence from their tournament. He was also very good natured about my dad forgetting his name. Also at the show was Noah Inhofer. He was talking with Corey Hill, which seems kind of strange. After all, Hill had the stones to stick it out in the TUF house, while Inhofer turned sissy over a new girlfriend and quit. I guess I imagined that Inhofer would be sort of ashamed at speaking to a TUF contestant who successfully rode out his stay in the house. The real question is, if Noah Inhofer were to move up to heavyweight, how would he fair against Ben Rothwell? Only the gods know for sure.

Top 15 Preface

Hello, and welcome to SquishingMachine's Top 15 rankings. I spend agonizing hours every week thinking these lists up, revising them, and re-revising them. Now you can reap the juicy fruits of my labors.

A Top 15 list is a little more interesting to me than just a Top 10. Often the five fighters topping the lists of their respective weight classes are pretty indisputable. So, to make it more compelling, I've taken it upon myself to discuss those fighters making noise just out of the limelight.

These rankings are developed based on fights I have seen myself, cross-referenced with Top 10 lists from Sherdog.com and MMAWeekly.com. The cross-referencing is necessary because, as I've mentioned before, certain organizations are unfamiliar to me. The only way I can see to resolve this issue is by weighing the opinions of others against my own.

Talent and potential don't hold a lot of water in these rankings. Emphasis is placed both on who a fighter has wins over and losses to, and how they won or lost. The latter criteria obviously makes this list pretty subjective. Recent fights - about one to three years old - are more significant than older fights.

Squishing Machine

I am the squishing machine.