Super List: EliteXC "Heat" part 2

Further thoughts on the rest of Saturday's EliteXC card...

1. There's no pleasing some people.
While certain writers have decried putting Kimbo into a fight where he was, to those without giant dollar signs blocking their vision, over-matched, they complain in the same breath that the still-improving Carano is handled with "kids' gloves." It seems that for some, bringing a fighter through the ranks slowly is only appropriate as an idea in retrospect, after the developing fighter has already crash-and-burned.

The fact is that at 16-2-1 heading into the contest, Kelly Kobold was a tough, experienced opponent for Carano. Carano's decision win over Kobold pushed her record to 7-0-0 against competition with a collective record (at the time of their respective fights) of 36-10-1. Put another way, her opposition held a .766 win average. This is noteworthy when you consider that Tara Larosa (one of Carano's biggest critics who has, among other things, accused Carano of being fed opponents) fought her first seven fights against opposition with a collective record at the time of 24-9-0 (that's an average of .727).

Looking at these numbers, we can see that, in her fledgling career, Carano has performed just as well against competition just as stiff as Larosa during her early years. While her peers could begrudge EliteXC officials and fans for taking to the fighting bombshell so quickly (though they probably shouldn't--welcome to the real world, pretty people have it easier), at a certain point Carano's detractors have to acknowledge that her in-cage performances deserve just as much respect as their own.

And while it's true that to deny audiences a fight between Carano and Cristiane Santos--a fighter who is possessed of striking skills just as good and likely better than Carano--would be an injustice to both the fighters and fans, it's an unlikely eventuality. Both fighters have benefited from some very positive public exposure, and with Santos now 2-0-0 following a nearly two year break from the sport, some time soon rather than last week is the right time for this fight to happen.

2. "Sloppy bastards."
"Who are Benji Radach and Murilo Rua?"
I'm a big fan of Radach but, short of a total overhaul, its hard to imagine that the approach that earned him number one contender status over Rua could likewise overcome the newly disciplined, stalking style of champion Robbie Lawler.

3. Security guard from Jerry Springer show wins heavyweight MMA fight.
After two losses to Tim Sylvia and a couple of underwhelming follow up acts (those would be the TKO win over Marcio Cruz, and his appearance on Jerry Springer as a guest security guard) Andrei Arlovski is now rapidly regaining the momentum and mystique he enjoyed as UFC heavyweight champion. With explosive KO victories over former IFL kingpins Ben Rothwell and most recently Roy Nelson, we finally have an answer to that nagging question: could "The Black Dragon" Ron Van Clief have led Andrei Arlovski and a team of ethnically-themed super fighters dubbed The Des Moines Silver Monkeys to an IFL championship?

All Van Cliefs aside, Arlovski may have shown a resurgent killer instinct, but also a certain penchant for landing underneath his opponents in a scramble. For Rothwell it happened when Arlovski dropped back for a sloppy heel hook. In his fight last Saturday, Nelson used his preternatural spherical qualities to reverse Arlovski during a takedown. He also smothered Arlovski with his massive stomach, which was good for some laughs. Likewise on display was Arlovski's habit of starting out slow, as he took a full round or so in both the Nelson and Rothwell fight before he could really pull the trigger. Both of these qualities are huge liabilities when considering a fight with Fedor Emelienenko, whose dynamic grappling and concussive strikes allow him to go from zero to beating the shit out of Tim Sylva in 36 seconds flat.

4. Now 70% less goofy looking.
Conor Heun, besides earning a cash bonus for his win over Edson Berto, got himself a little upgrade in the Profile Picture Department of Sherdog.com.

Prior to his fight Saturday, Heun was depicted as something like Keanu Reeves' retarded younger brother, grimacing as he soils himself and gets punched in the chest (exhibit A).

exhibit A. "Stranger Danger!" Heun exclaimed as he shied away from his attacker.

Immediately following his win, though, Heun's picture had been changed to show him as determined, combat ready, and only mildly cross-eyed (exhibit B).

exhibit B. Eyes are crossing...every so slightly...

Good job everyone.

Incidentally, Marcus Hicks lost his last high-profile fight to Jamie Varner, so he still has to be immortalized in Sherdog's Fight Finder as Black Quasimodo.

"Sanctuary and so forth!"

Super List: EliteXC "Heat" part 1

Don't believe everything you read. Or, when it comes to MMA forums, maybe just don't bother reading at all. This past Saturday saw EliteXC make its third foray onto network television. One unconscious Kimbo Slice later, and hysterical predictions on the future of EliteXC, Kimbo, and Seth Petruzelli run rampant through MMA fandom. The forums on Sherdog were full of know-it-alls with itchy keyboard-fingers who couldn't wait to proclaim their great joy at Kimbo's demise, wag their fingers while declaring that they had predicted this fall from grace all along, and sagely foretell the future of EliteXC.
The dubious honor of predicting an MMA novice's eventual loss aside, the message boards revealed a wealth (or maybe an "infestation" would be more appropriate) of venomous and delusional misconceptions.
For the first half of this two-part Super List, I'll address the most common ravings from the internet lunatics stemming from the Kimbo-Petruzelli fight.

1. "Kimbo should quit before he gets really hurt!"
Insert obligatory "LOL" as you like.

A knockout loss is a shocking thing, sometimes made more horrifying if it comes unexpectedly, but it's a fact of MMA. And everyone loses sometime, especially within their first four fights. If the advice of cackling MMA fans were taken to heart, then fighters like Denis Kang, Wanderlei Silva, Jason Miller, Andrei Arlovski, Tito Ortiz, Guy Mezger, and Seth Petruzelli himself should have called it quits years ago.

And for those of you who want to say that it was Kimbo losing to a smaller fighter that's the problem, then maybe you should write to Ken Shamrock, Jorge Santiago, Matt Hughes, Yushin Okami, and Kazuyuki Fujita, and let them know that they should have stopped competing after losing to a fighter in a lower weight class before they really got hurt, too.

2. "Finally, Kimbo Slice will go away! Go back to the crack house!"
Insert closet (and not-so-closet) prejudice as you like.

Kimbo Slice deserves infinitely more respect from both fans and professionals. There is absolutely no reason to wish on him a total career-collapse. For someone like Frank Mir to say that he has no respect for Kimbo because Kimbo disrespects the sport is nothing less than absolutely outrageous. Kimbo has shown deference to the sport during press conferences, enlisted the training services of MMA legend Bas Rutten, never hypes up fights by invoking "street cred," is cordial and professional during interviews, and is gentlemanly in defeat. I doubt that anyone could find him saying or doing anything more condemnable than what any other average MMA fighter has said or done. Frankly, for fans and professionals to disrespect and hate Kimbo despite his exemplary behavior comes off as racist. That "crack house" comment is a direct quote, by the way.

For fans and other fighters to begrudge Kimbo his fame on the basis of seniority is likewise ridiculous. If these people got their wish, then Akira Shoji would headline a night of fights instead of Rodrigo Nogueira, and Travis Fulton would draw a higher paycheck than Anderson Silva. Guys, it just doesn't make a god-damn lick of sense.

3. "Kimbo got exposed!"
Only if you're missing half a brain.

Everyone among the MMA-educated, including Kimbo himself, has had no illusions about his place in MMA. He's a decent prospect who has a marketable persona and some appreciable charisma. Losing to a solid journeyman like Seth Petruzelli doesn't mean much of anything except that Kimbo isn't invincible, still needs work, and may have a slightly weak jaw. And even that last assessment might not be entirely true.

The last-minute nature of the fight probably filled both Kimbo and Petruzelli with a ton of nervous tension. The more nervous a fighter is, the easier it is to knock him out (as in Marvin Eastman's loss to Travis Lutter, or Bo Cantrell's loss to Kimbo, for that matter). It's pretty likely that Kimbo's got a bit more fight in him than he displayed this last weekend.

4. "Mauro Renallo is an excuse-making idiot with his nose up EliteXC's collective asshole."
Well I--! Uh...eh.

People like Renallo and the Shaws are what really ruin Kimbo. They put undue pressure on him to be the next big thing, and, as exemplified in Renallo's post-fight comments, desperately make excuses while Kimbo should be allowed to gracefully accept defeat. People inevitably equate the words of these spokesmen with Kimbo's own opinions, and suddenly everyone resents Kimbo himself for making excuses and proclaiming himself to be a great fighter. It's unfair to Kimbo, and it's a huge pain for the fans to listen to.

5. "I wish Ken Shamrock could've fought. Then he could have got the KO."
Seriously? Ken Shamrock has won by TKO only twice in a 15 year career. The first happened against Alexander Otsuka, who currently has a record of 4-13-0, and the second was four years ago over fellow elder-statesman Kimo Leopoldo, who has lost four of his last five fights. Furthermore, Shamrock has displayed a woeful reaction time and poor game-planning in his last five fights, all of which he lost by TKO in the first round.

By contrast, nine of Petruzelli's ten wins have come by TKO. He's never been knocked out, and still retains natural peak-athleticism. Petruzelli would have been a more dangerous opponent for Kimbo to begin with, and has always had a far better chance of beating Kimbo than Shamrock did. Set aside any delusions of pugilistic glory for Shamrock, and rest assured that if Ken "Little Brittle" Shamrock hadn't irrevocably injured himself in the hours leading up to the fight that things would have gone exactly as Shaw had dreamed them in his pretty little head.

6. "EliteXC is finished! LOLARRRGHUNUNGHUHUHUNGUNG!"
Why should EliteXC be finished? Going in to Saturday night, the whole question of EliteXC's future hung on whether or not they would have a successful night of ratings. Gina Carano and Kimbo Slice, the promotion's two biggest attractions, showed up to fight as promised. So why, why in the hell, I ask you, would the outcome of the last fight on a live telecast effect the ratings?

Sure enough, word on the ratings for "Heat" have been very positive. Both Sherdog and MMAWeekly report that the show placed first among males 18-34 and 18-49, against MLB playoffs, college football, and a replay of UFC pay-per-views on Spike. And those numbers don't even include the time that Kimbo was on screen. And while Kimbo's tarnished aura might have thrown Shaw and company for a loop, Kimbo on the comeback trail doesn't make for such a bad story, either. The only way they could screw this up is if they try to explain the loss away.

Ultimately, in terms of production and audience interest, the promotion is steadily improving, and signing a carnival barker like Tito Ortiz could only help at this point. The very public argument between Jared Shaw and KJ Noons' management, plus Antonio Silva's positive steroid test, seemed to be the vomit-icing on a money-hemorrhaging turd cake, but things are looking up. EliteXC fans have upgraded to peanut butter icing on a cabbage cake.


"A what-cake?"

7. "Seth Petruzelli is going to be getting a call from Dana White!"
Why? According to the same people who shout-type this garbage, Kimbo Slice is a bum. So why would Dana white give Petruzelli a contract to fight in MMA's number one promotion for beating somebody who was no good anyway? I understand that some people imagine Dana White would do this as a sign of appreciation, but: 1. Dana White isn't so swell a guy. 2. EliteXC is already floundering, and I doubt Dana White would bother giving much credit to Petruzelli if the promotion went under. And 3. Petruzelli was already in the UFC, and performed rather poorly. You could argue that he has improved, and that his notoriety would bring a greater viewership, but given the that the UFC is loathe to mention other fight promotions, explaining why any UFC fan should care about Petruzelli would prove difficult.

And even if he got the offer, maybe going back to the UFC wouldn't be the best thing for Petruzelli. The fact is, he knocked out a very popular but very inexperienced fighter, and is probably not well enough equipped to wade into the deeper waters of the UFC light-heavyweight division. If he did, he would probably be relegated to undercard status, with pay to match. In a promotion like EliteXC or Strikeforce, however, his notoriety is much more palpable, and could probably lead to much more immediate rewards.

8. The Troy Waugh Show.
"Welcome to CBS, EliteXC style! Let's give the millions of fans watching what the came to see!" What the hell, Troy? Aren't you supposed to tell them to follow the rules or something? He's got pretty good take down defense, though.


Troy "The Grimace" Waugh putting the screw face to Kimbo in order to fend off the attack.

Superlist: UFC 87

- 6'3" 265 pound man with a large penis-sword tattooed across his pasty white chest spotted while pointing his finger, hopping around, and giggling.

Is there anything more grotesque?

-Don't look at the finger, or you will miss all that heavenly glory.
Kenny Florian wins the Track Suit of the Night Award. Channeling the spirit of Bruce Lee, Florian sported a yellow, Game of Death-inspired jacket and pants ensemble, and kicked Kareem Abdul Jabar in the face on his way to the cage.


- Foot in mouth.
Somewhat literally.
After claiming that Georges St. Pierre was just a wrestler after the champion's second fight with Serra, Jon Fitch assured audiences that St. Pierre would be too scared to stand and trade in their bout, with a hint of self-satisfaction that was curiously absent following their fight. That smugness must have gone missing somewhere in between pre-fight and when St. Pierre launched an unidentified object out of Fitch's mouth and across the cage.
Impressive in losing, Fitch displayed his trademark toughness to his largest audience yet, getting battered on the ground and on the feet en route to a lopsided decision loss. St. Pierre, for his part, dispelled any suspicions (originating mostly from rival camp AKA) that he lacked the drive and grittiness to defeat someone of Fitch's caliber across 5 championship rounds.

- Foot in mouth II.
With hype and momentum fast-abandoning him, Roger Huerta has been forced these last few days to "clarify" statements he made during interviews in the months leading up to the fight. Often quoted as being dissatisfied with the UFC's compensation, support, and general treatment of their fighters, Huerta has, since his loss to Kenny Florian, recanted his assertions that he was being over worked (as in the UFC's strenuous PR campaigns) and undercompensated (as in the $50.00 per diem that the UFC gave to Huerta on said campaigns). Huerta now claims that his words were put out of context and exaggerated. "I never bashed the UFC," he said at the post-fight press conference. "I was never saying that the UFC is bad."
Of course, while he can claim that his print interviews were taken wrongly, there is little to misunderstand about the interview Huerta gave at the weigh-ins for UFC 84, which I attended. When asked plainly if he thought that the UFC fairly compensated their fighters, Huerta replied, after a long, awkward pause, "No."
As a Florian fan, I was happy with the outcome of their fight, but as a fan hopeful for greater company responsibility towards, and compensation for fighters, the results don't bode well. Had Huerta won, he would have had a huge bargaining chip going into his upcoming contract negotiations, and, more importantly, a great deal of influence over both fans and company men when it comes to fighters' rights and pay. To date, those who have been most vocal over the UFC's financial abuse and lack of loyalty, such as Tito Ortiz and Randy Couture, have been dismissed as washed up, their concerns stemming from desperate greed at the end of their careers. For Huerta, a young fighter at his peak, to come out against the UFC's business practices surely would have opened more eyes to how uniformly the UFC mistreats its fighters.
I was never that impressed with Huerta as a fighter, but I greatly appreciated how strategically and responsibly he used the leverage that fame had given him to stand up (or begin to stand up) for himself and his peers.

Lambert to 185

Word around the old internet is that Jason Lambert is back in the cage this September for UFC 88...at middleweight. MMAMania.com reports that a fight with Jason Day has been set for the Atlanta fight card.
Lambert had shown flashes of brilliance at light-heavyweight (most notably his TKO of Renato Sobral in 2007) but was always a little undersized for the division, as evidenced by his inability to close the distance in his losing efforts against Luiz Cane and Wilson Gouveia (who, interestingly, is also moving down to middleweight). So long as Lambert's power carries into the lower weight class, and he takes advantage of the greater endurance that should come with a leaner build, Lambert ought to enjoy more consistent success at middleweight, and add some much-needed depth to the division.
Plus, maybe this will save me from having to explain the many loose folds of flesh that hang off his body.

Pleasant Surprise of the Day: David Loiseau won by TKO this past June.

Loiseau, who many considered effectively ruined after a thrashing at the hands of Rich Franklin, knocked out the now 5-2-0 Andrew Buckland last June at a relatively small Canadian show. This is the first time Loiseau has been able to string together two consecutive wins in almost 3 years. Buckland might not be considered huge game (especially for someone who was at one time a UFC top contender) but isn't bad competition for a fighter on the mend like Loiseau.

I was a little surprised that it hadn't been reported any earlier that Loiseau was fighting. He was appearing on a card populated with other big show veterans (Dan Hornbuckle, Carlo Prater, Travis Galbraith), and he himself still has a pretty decently sized fan base. Sometimes I wonder if this, and similar news bits, are purposefully not covered by sites like Sherdog.com as an attempt at showing impartiality to the UFC (and, by extension, its stable of fighters). That is, a fighter like Loiseau (or Dave Menne, or Anthony Perosh, or any number of TUF castaways) isn't newsworthy simply because he fought in the UFC.

I certainly hope this isn't the case. While such a policy initially seems like a step towards a less UFC-centric view of mixed martial arts, all this really does is hurt fighters. The UFC cut them anyway, and their infamously (and perhaps mythically) cold, bottom-line-focused relations with fighters leaves little room for sentiment--it's doubtful that Dana White is feeling slighted that some news site or another isn't covering UFC veteran David Loiseau. But I bet David Loiseau sure would appreciate some publicity.

And why not give it to him? Fighters like these, who at one point put their body and mind on the line in order to fill a money-making card for the UFC, deserve a little recognition. And in a relatively inexpensive medium like online journalism, websites like Sherdog.com (with an increasingly burgeoning set of ad banners) can afford to keep up with David Loiseau, (or Ricco Rodriguez, or Gideon Ray) even if he is only rebuilding his record in smaller shows. Certainly the fan interest would justify at least a small blurb.

Altruism and potential fan service aside, such reports would also serve to contextualize, and re-contextualize, the sport, where it was, and where it's going. It's interesting to see that at one point a fighter like Junior Assuncao, with a bit of momentum behind him, was considered good enough to compete for the world's premier mixed martial arts promoter, whereas now he is having trouble in the smaller shows. These details hint at the growth of the sport, and the evolution of its fighters.

It's a hard enough business without getting your UFC contract (which was probably underpaying you anyway) abruptly terminated, and certainly hard enough without what should have been a blessing (greater exposure) becoming a source of resentment among the MMA community. And honestly, instead of reading a bunch of pre-fight hype out of Michael Bisping, I'd rather keep up with David Loiseau, or Mark Kerr.

Speaking of Mark Kerr...


Absolutely Unpleasant, Depressing Surprise of the Day: Mark Kerr has fought twice since his loss to Oleg Taktarov in the YAMMA, and lost both fights.

Dear God, no.

I'm a huge fan of Mark Kerr, and I love to see him win. Though his best days are behind him, I had hoped that "The Smashing Machine" would be able to find a rhythm and continue winning against less notable opposition so long as he wished to keep fighting. However, Kerr has already suffered two losses this summer--one to a then 2-0-0 Tracy Willis, and the second to a then 3-4-0 Ralph Kelly.

Ultimately, one has to respect the fighter's decision to compete or not, but these losses seriously put in doubt the efficacy of any further in-ring contests. I've been hoping for a while now that Mark Kerr will make the physical and psychological adjustments necessary to compete successfully, but at this point, I'm not sure if that will ever happen.

My heart is broken. A piece of it lies in Mark Kerr's mutant pectorals of yesteryear. Unbreak my heart, Mark Kerr!

On Sakuraba

On Sakuraba

On the Sherdog.com forums, a minor debate has flared up in the wake of Melvin Manhoef’s ultra-violent TKO of MMA legend and fan-favorite Kazushi Sakuraba. Precipitated by one fight fan’s feeling of satisfaction at the news of Sakuraba’s in-ring destruction, many have since decried what they see as a disrespectful sentiment, arguing that any antagonistic feelings toward such a venerable legend could only be a result of the UFC-centric, TUF-generation mentality; that such fans are merely loud-mouthed newcomers with little understanding or appreciation of the sport’s history.

Of course, I believe that the “problem,” if you can even call it that, is far more complicated, and such sentiments deserve more than just an angry dismissal by the self-styled aficionados and old guard.

We first have to understand that someone like Sakuraba (or Royce Gracie, or Ken Shamrock, or Randy Couture, or any fighter who has sufficiently captured the hearts and imaginations of the larger MMA audience) has, by turns either famous or notorious, become legendary, an institution in mixed martial arts. Attendant to this status is the fact that, when such a personage fights, he represents not just himself, but, for better or worse, a host of ideals or sins. Sakuraba is not so much a man as he is a symbol.

But a symbol of what?

Showmanship and a true appreciation for the sport and its fans, as evidenced by his good nature and elaborate entrances, may certainly find suitable personification in Sakuraba. The ideals of fighting spirit and resourcefulness are likewise well manifested in Sakuraba’s 185 pound frame—on display in his come-from-behind submission victory over Kestutis Smirnovas, and, though they ultimately ended in defeat, his seemingly fearless confrontations against the oversized Mirko Filipovic, Ricardo Årona, and Wanderlei Silva. Any spectator with a fair understanding of mixed martial art’s evolution since UFC 1 must concede these points.

However, as well-schooled spectators, we also have a responsibility to acknowledge what can be dubbed “the whole story.” With this in mind, it is, in fact, more reprehensible for any self-styled expert to refuse that Sakuraba may represent anything but integrity than it is for a relative newcomer to wholly dismiss Sakuraba’s contributions. Neither position is correct, but the newcomer has an excuse in his inexperience, while the expert ought to know better. While Sakuraba deservedly embodies any number of admirable qualities, he has, throughout his career, also earned some attributes that sit bitter on many tongues. It’s these associations that could lead a spectator to find satisfaction rather than heartbreak in Sakuraba’s defeat.

MMA snobbery and Japanophilia are unfortunately tied to Sakuraba, not through any fault of his own, but by the attitudes that some of his most vocal supporters have taken—those who don’t appreciate Sakuraba in total are dismissed by the self-appointed elite as low-brow idiots. Sakuraba also served as one of the most visual standards born by those in favor of the Japanese fight promotion during the senseless UFC vs. PRIDE FC debates. He and his peers were irrationally seen as the classy, intelligent alternative to the dumbed-down UFC crowd.

Similarly, Sakuraba may be associated with officiation bias and corruption in MMA. At least one fighter, in Quinton Jackson, has stated that he was monetarily encouraged to lose in his fight with Sakuraba (though he didn’t take the “bonus,” and lost anyway). Likewise, respected veteran Guy Mezger recently revealed that, while fighting for PRIDE FC, he was pressured to be “creative” with how the fights went, and that, in his fight with Sakuraba, rather than going to the judge’s scorecards, a contract-breaching third round was decided upon at the last minute (he refused to continue in the fight, and it sits as a loss by way of forfeit on his record). At this point we can say that Sakuraba wasn’t a direct conspirator, but there is the mounting suspicion that he benefited from some of PRIDE FC’s more notorious matchmaking, refereeing, and judging practices. Unfortunately, being one of the poster boys for PRIDE FC, he is exemplary of its best qualities, but also shoulders the burden of its most reprehensible.

Perhaps more than anything else, though, Sakuraba represents the double standard in mixed martial arts. When discussing Sakuraba’s legacy, the point most often brought up are his set of victories over Royce, Renzo, Royler, and Ryan Gracie. The Gracies were, of course, once thought to be invincible, but now their own family legacy has recently been thrown in to question, and they are widely considered to be relics of the sport, obsolete since the last time Royce Gracie won a UFC tournament. While much dismissed in every area of MMA discussion, the Gracie’s reputation for invincibility and ultra-toughness are for some reason restored when discussing Sakuraba. Furthermore, while the Gracies are often criticized for demanding special parameters for their fights, Sakuraba receives little criticism for similar practices, as in the aforementioned fight with Guy Mezger.

When a given person delights in the destruction of Sakuraba, they aren’t reacting to Sakuraba personally (really, how could they? Virtually none of the spectators know him intimately, so this concept is ridiculous from the outset). Rather, they are delighting in the destruction of snobbery, or corruption, or double standards.

Of course Sakuraba is not a proponent of MMA snobbery, corruption, or double standards. But someone with such deep roots in mixed martial arts, someone who has entered the fans’ consciousness to the extent that he has, is bound to be coupled with one or another of those undesirable characteristics, just as he is connected to the ideals of showmanship, fan appreciation, and warrior spirit.

Is this fair to Sakuraba? Is it fair that he should shoulder the doubts as well as the admiration of millions of imaginations? When it comes to being a legend, this is an occupational hazard. To mix metaphors, being an icon is a double-edged sword—just as the world will project its greatest ideals onto a great person, so might they just as readily project the worst faults. An educated fan’s responsibility lies in recognizing this fact, that no fighter is an absolute hero or villain. That like the individual themselves, like the day-to-day man Kazushi Sakuraba, a fighter’s legacy, the Kazushi Sakuraba of the ring, is multifaceted, evolving, and complex.

Top 15 Heavyweight

Too tired to explain the rankings. Barnett is at 6 due to a recent fight against mediocre competition that followed a long period of inactivity. Kongo gets knocked out of the Top 10 after that ridiculous fight with Heath Herring. So sloppy. Like if Michael J. Fox made sloppy joes. All shaking, all spilling the sauce. Please god, don't strike me with Parkinson's.

1. Fedor Emelianenko

2. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira

3. Randy Couture

4. Tim Sylvia

5. Andrei Arlovski

6. Josh Barnett

7. Fabricio Werdum

8. Gabriel Gonzaga

9. Mirko Filipovic

10. Aleksander Emelianenko

11. Ben Rothwell

12. Heath Herring

13. Cheick Kongo

14. Sergei Kharitonov

15. Alistair Overeem

Top 15 Light-Heavyweight

1. Quinton Jackson
Nothing much to speak of regarding the top 8 or 9 guys on this list. I think they're more or less standard. There's always the question of whether or not Jardine and Griffin should be ranked ahead of Liddell and Rua, respectively. In a case like this, I think one has to lend a lot of credence to how someone like Griffin beat the incumbent. Because Forrest Griffin beat Rua pretty solidly across three rounds, as opposed to a flash knock out, I think you have to give Griffin more credit, and put him ahead. Same with Jardine/Liddell.

2. Keith Jardine

3. Forrest Griffin

4. Chuck Liddell

5. Shogun Rua

6. Dan Henderson

7. Wanderlei Silva

8. Lyoto Machida

9. Sokoudjou

10. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira
Nogueira hasn't been particularly active, but he has shown more consistent top-level performance than anybody beneath him, so he takes the number 10 spot.

11. Wilson Gouveia
With Gouveia's win over Jason Lambert (who at the time had just knocked out one-time top contender Renato Sobral), Gouveia slips ahead of perennial A-lister Tito Ortiz and the accelerating Rashad Evans.
Lambert's loss to Gouveia was extremely disappointing. I had hoped "The Punisher" had turned a corner after his KO win over Sobral. Unfortunately he came out undisciplined in the second, and what do you know, Wilson Gouveia has himself some knockout power. There are still a few questions with Gouveia--his cardio in particular, which cost him the fight against Keith Jardine. Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but he has very bad posture. No one likes a hunchback.

12. Rashad Evans
Evans was marginally impressive in his fight with Ortiz, and looked solid against Bisping, but it seems a little hasty to let him into the Top 10. He's undefeated, but I think it's important to put his wins in context.
The victories over Sean Salmon and Stephan Bonnar don't do a whole lot for him in this sense. They were extremely solid performances, but Salmon ended up dropping down to an inconsistently successful middleweight, and Bonnar, while he seems to be improving, isn't a huge scalp on anyone's belt at the moment.
It's also important not to overvalue his performance with Ortiz. He lost the first two rounds, and while he bruised Ortiz up in the third, he wasn't able to seal the deal.
The decision win over Bisping was fine, but the UK fighter had already been "exposed," as they say, and had committed, also, to moving down to middleweight. A decent mark on your record, but nothing huge.
The biggest win on Evans' record has to be the tko over Jason Lambert, same as Gouveia. The issue, however, is timing. While Gouveia isn't undefeated in the UFC like Evans is, Gouveia beat an ostensibly better Jason Lambert, who had himself just come off a huge victory.
Evans is extremely close to breaking into the top tier, but it's going to take a couple more.

13. Tito Ortiz
Despite having a more impressive record than Evans, Ortiz has to be ranked underneath the woefully nicknamed "Sugar" Rashad. After their draw-decision, Evans went on to beat Michael Bisping, while Ortiz went on to be a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice. Trump busted a nut over Tito so hard that even though he lost his position on the show, Ortiz received an extra bit of coin from that scowling bag of bones and cash. Swell and all, but shouldn't he be, like, training? What was with Gene Simmons on that show, anyway? "I'll fire anybody...I'll fire Donald Trump." The fuck? Ortiz should have continued his winning streak against over-the-hill wackos and dropped some sweet elbows on that guy's face.

14. Vladimir Matyushenko
Another unfortunate nickname, "The Janitor." Self fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. Matyushenko has got himself a nice win streak and a championship belt working in the under-appreciated IFL. However, he's been "cleaning up" (lol) mid-to-lower tier fighters, which make it difficult to put too much weight on his victories.
A tko over the tough but inexperienced Jamal Patterson is nice, and the same goes for his decision win over the newly appreciated Tim Boetsch. Yet, wins over the currently self-destructing Justin Levens and mediocre Aaron Stark don't do a lot for his upward mobility. If he's planning to make one final rush at the big time, those fights will soon stop lending him momentum and start wasting his time. I get the feeling, though, that that final shot at great UFC-style glory is not forthcoming. He did, after all, have a stint in the UFC already, with only fair results. His game hasn't changed much since then--confounding for many, but exploitable by top level mixed martial artists. I think we can expect Matyushenko to ride out the rest of his career as the champion of a respectable but unspectacular stable of fighters

15. Thiago Silva
All the hype around Silva is a little inexplicable to me. He makes this list by virtue of a decent record, sure, but also the inactivity and inconsistency of others (specifically Jason Lambert, Ricardo Arona, and the rebuilding Renato Sobral). His win over James Irvin was due to a knee injury on Irvin's part, and his tko victory against Tomasz Drwal was preceeded by an incredibly sloppy, sluggish one and a half rounds that exposed Silva's propensity for getting hit in the face and getting tired.
His fight with Houston Alexander, while decent, didn't help quell any doubts, either. Alexander was himself a bit over hyped, after all, and while the tko from mount was impressive (albeit predictable) Alexander failed to effectively test Silva's in-fight longevity. A fight with Rashad Evans would be excellent for both parties, as it would pit Evans up with a high-level striker and Silva up with someone who will push him deeper into the fight.

Top 15 Middleweight

Having taken such a long hiatus, I'm in a bit of a rush to officially reorient myself with the sport. What better way to take stock of things than by an endless barrage of lists?

1. Anderson Silva

2. Paulo Filho
When Mike Tyson got a tattoo of Mao Tse Tung on his arm, he began a great tradition of permanently styling your body with portraits of history's greatest abominations. Filho has continued this proud tradition by getting a similar tattoo...of Mike Tyson.
Filho had a lot of questions to answer after his fight with Chael Sonnen (which some say he only barely won) and he has even more after pulling out of the rematch. It was initially reported that he had to withdraw due to personal issues, but after that didn't go over very well with the general public, the reason was slightly refined to say that he was in rehab for substance abuse. Unfortunately, rumors out of Brazil stated that he was woefully under training in the weeks leading up to the fight, and that perhaps he just wasn't ready. Those rumors in combination with the fact that he coincidentally finished his rehab program the Saturday immediately following his scheduled fight cast a strong sense of suspicion as to how he will perform in the future.

3. Rich Franklin

4. Nathan Marquardt

5. Yushin Okami

6. Robbie Lawler

7. Yoshihiro Akiyama
"Relatively more like leather than anything else I'm thinking about right now."
"What is Akiyama's face skin?"

8. Frank Trigg

9. Kazuo Misaki

10. Gegard Mousasi
Mousasi cracks the Top 10 thanks to his triangle-choke win over Denis Kang. Mousasi has flown under the radar the last couple years, missing his most recent chance at the big time by way of a decision loss to Akihiro Gono. However, his upset over Kang, a not too-distant win over Hector Lombard, and an overall stellar record make a strong case for Mousasi as an acknowledged top-flight competitor.

11. Jorge Santiago

12. Jason Miller

13. Denis Kang
Denis Kang has a bad habit of making Top Tenners out of previously uncertain middleweights. Misaki, Akiyama, and Mousasi are all enjoying a new (or renewed) relevance thanks in part to Kang, who was just recently considered to be one of the few people capable of dethroning Anderson Silva. Of course, Top Tenners is not to be confused with Top Tanners, which Evan Tanner also has a bad habit of making. He does this by sneaking up on unsuspecting jump-ropers before wailing on a guitar and taking a tremendous shit on their head while they're at the top of their jump. Therefore, Top Tanner.
Kang came off as extremely flaky in his fight with Mousasi, where he more or less gift wrapped a triangle choke for his opponent. His knockout loss to Akiyama was just as surprising since Kang was generally considered the more well-rounded and powerful fighter. He has, however, been able to excel outside of the big ticket fights. Perhaps, after all the hype, we're getting a view of the ceiling for Kang. On any given day he can take out other strong competitors like Murilo Rua and Akihiro Gono, but when it comes to top contenders, he always falls a little short.
However, it's also possible that his success and popularity in the smaller shows, namely Spirit MC, is part of the problem. He's not facing anywhere near the level of competition he would get elsewhere, and his reign in the Korean fight promotion may be giving him a false sense of security and prove distracting.

14. Jason Macdonald
Wins over Joe Doerksen, Ed Herman, and Chris Leben, plus the fact that he hasn't lost to anyone but Top 10 middleweights in the last two years, puts Macdonald at 14. There's a lot of other fighters that could arguably take this spot--Hector Lombard, Chris Leben, Joey Villasenor, Benji Radach, and Patrick Cote, to name a few-- but at the moment I think their inconsistency and lower-caliber competition keep them off the list.

15. Chael Sonnen
I think it's important to not put too much stock in a fighter based on how well he loses, which is what I think a lot of us did following Sonnen and Filho's first fight. Yet, however well a fighter performs at the outset, if in the end he lets the fight slip through his fingers, this is what ultimately counts most. Incidentally, this issue seems to best characterize Chael Sonnen.
Sonnen has always shown flashes of brilliance, but also a puzzling habit of blowing it in spectacular fashion at the last moment. His fight with Sobral was going swimmingly until he got overconfident in the BJJ specialist's guard, succumbing to a triangle choke, and was similarly eliminated by Paulo Filho.
It's for his inability to consistently win the bigger fights that Sonnen has to take a spot behind Jason Macdonald, who has, by contrast, shown an ability to perform consistently at the higher levels of competition.

Top 15 Welterweight

1. Georges St. Pierre

2. Jon Fitch

3. Matt Hughes
Between spending time as a coach on The Ultimate Fighter, rematches and rubber matches with BJ Penn and St. Pierre, the bad blood with Serra, and a grotesque fight against Royce Gracie, Hughes seems to have become less a contender and more like a mascot or symbol of the division, a character stuck in time--rightfully revered but perhaps working his way into irrelevance. Essentially,Hughes hasn't had a fight of consequence that didn't involve Penn or St. Pierre since his 2005 contest with Joe Riggs (and even that fight had its title implications taken away after Riggs couldn't make weight).
That's not to say he isn't a great fighter at this very moment, but his fights and their attendant drama seem to have so emphatically revolved around events that took place year(s) ago, that it was a shock to hear he'd be fighting an actual contender outside of his weird karmic circle in Thiago Alves. For once, I'm excited to see Hughes fight, and not just because of some grudge.

4. Josh Koscheck

5. Diego Sanchez

6. Jake Shields

7. Matt Serra
It's hard to tell how far down the line Serra drops with this loss to St. Pierre. Normally, splitting a pair of matches with the number one ranked welterweight wouldn't be cause for too much alarm, but Serra didn't exactly tear up a murderer's row of contenders to reach his first successful title shot, either. With his only real accomplishment being a shocking TKO of St. Pierre over a year ago, I think a lot of Serra's clout disappeared in their rematch under a hail of knee strikes to the ribs.
Despite all the 'bad blood' with St. Pierre, I'm still alright with Matt Serra. Serra's camp, on the other hand, is another thing. For Pete Sell to call anyone a "mental midget" (this coming from a guy who despite his jiu-jitsu skills insists on boxing his way to a loss against just about everyone in the UFC--PS, he doesn't have any TKO victories) is too ridiculous.
It was tough seeing Serra lose like that, because in spite of all the fight hype I think he's an alright guy who just got a little caught up in the moment (I don't think St. Pierre admitting he under trained was a sign of disrespect or a fluke, I think he was just admitting a mistake) and I hoped he would put up a bit more of a fight. As it stands, his game plan seems to have been not very well thought out--did his camp really think St. Pierre was just going to box with him, even after seeing St. Pierre grapple and ground-and-pound his way through Koscheck and Hughes?--and I'm afraid that we may be witnessing the end of Matt Serra's tour of the upper echelon.
Unless he puts some wrestling together with his knockout power, I don't see him getting by Hughes.

8. Thiago Alves

9. Karo Parisyan
Irony's a real bitch. Parisyan preemptively declared that he would not accept a fight with Jon Fitch because he wanted a more certain victory leading up to a perceived title shot. Following fan and fighter criticism, Parisyan then insisted that he was not dodging Fitch (nor would he ever) and that it was impossible for a person to dodge Fitch when there was never a fight offered anyway. Impossible it may be, but somehow Parisyan did it.
Abiding by his wishes, the UFC matched him up with Thiago Alves, and Parisyan, who looked in just about the worst shape of his UFC career, was promptly knocked out.

10. Carlos Condit

11. Drew Fickett
What can you say about Drew Fickett that hasn't already been said by the ADCC? Fickett was banned from the Abu Dhabi after a long day of harassing other competitors at the hotel while in a drunken rage and ending up (as the rumor goes) blitzed out of his mind, almost naked, and sobbing outside his hotel room.
It was disappointing to see Fickett leave the UFC. I can't say whether or not he would have been a true contender, but his fights were always exciting. But why should Dana White get to host all of the life-or-death fights? On his title fight with Jake Shields in EliteXC, we now take you to Drew Fickett:
"Round one, rear-naked choke, one of us will die!"

12. Nick Thompson

13. Marcus Davis

14. Yoshiyuki Yoshida

15. David Baron
Thanks to his submission victory over a lackadaisical Hayato Sakurai David Baron makes the list. It's hard to tell exactly how good Baron really is given that any previous attempts against the upper levels of competition have been met with defeat, and that Sakurai himself has looked uninspired in his last several fights. A title shot in DREAM would have been a helpful test, but the newfound Japanese promotion decided to play favorites and offered the fight to Sakurai anyway.

Top 15 Lightweights

Under a burgeoning sense of ennui and purposelessness, with a vague sense of defeat over a task that only exists in the form of its own failure, I'm made to ask, what's the point? At the end of this year, I'll have graduated (with a degree I should have completed two years ago) without any particular job prospects or professional ambitions, having only a host of rejection letters from publishers and an erratically produced, sub-par MMA blog. Why continue making comics nobody wants? Why continue writing a blog nobody reads? Why do anything?
Here's the top 15 lightweights.

1. Takanori Gomi
Thanks to JZ Cavalcante losing to DREAM grand prix contender Shinya Aoki, Gomi finds himself back at number one. JZ certainly cannot take the top spot after losing to Aoki, and as for Aoki himself, his record is a little too slight compared to Gomi's. The Fireball Kid hasn't been that active, but on paper he's the most consistent at the highest levels of competition.

2. Shinya Aoki
In a pre-fight interview, Aoki once tearfully told the story of how he'd call his father on the telephone sometimes, "just to tell him that I'm alive." Just what the fuck is that supposed to mean, exactly?
Aoki makes number two for having beaten the previously top ranked Gesias Calvancante.

3. Mitsuhiro Ishida

4. Gesias Calvancante

5. Gilbert Melendez

6. Tatsuya Kawajiri

7. Vitor Ribeiro
Because Ribeiro's lightweight resume is so much more expansive, I ranked him above BJ Penn. Ribeiro's loss to Calvancante made this a little difficult, especially since Penn is coming off a win. However, Ribeiro has shown a consistently high level of performance across the last couple years, while Penn still has some question's to answer...

8. BJ Penn
such as: do you kiss on a first date? and: if I were a girl, would you go on a date with me?

9. Joe Stevenson
It's hard to tell if our collective impression of Joe Stevenson has been colored by his mere association with the UFC lightweight title, or if that bit of limelight helped everyone recognize what a quality lightweight he really is. Generally, I believe in the latter. His striking in the match against Penn was relatively good, and he's a powerful grappler with good conditioning as well. I'd like to see a rematch between him and Josh Neer, who beat Stevenson at welterweight (prompting his drop to 155 pounds) and has since dropped to lightweight himself in hopes of revitalizing his career.

10. Sean Sherk
Sherk's lightweight resume is slight but remarkable. His victory over Kenny Florian might not have meant much at the time, but Florian has since proven himself to be a serious contender. That win, in combination with Sherk's defeat of Hermes Franca, proves Sherk as a recognizable force at lightweight. With the UFC lightweight division slightly in flux following a series of suspensions and new additions to the weight class, the title belt has been slightly devalued. Sherk will help legitimize the title one way or another, either by providing an impressive scalp on BJ Penn's belt, or by providing a resume suitable (albeit short) for the lightweight champion.

11. Kenny Florian

12. Roger Huerta

13. Gray Maynard
The bottom three here represents a love triangle among UFC wrestling wunderkind, except the amorous caresses are replaced by double leg take downs, the simultaneous mutual oral sex position has been replaced by the "north-south" position (aka...simultaneous mutual oral sex position) and the warming personal lubricant has been replaced by gobs of sweet Vasoline quivering atop the fingertips of UFC cutman "Stitch."

14. Frank Edgar

15. Tyson Griffin
Griffin's loss to Frank Edgar still lingers in my memory partly due to the amazing fight that precipitated it. In determining who would take this last spot, it was important to remember that Griffin has, since the loss to Edgar, taken three very impressive wins over Gleison Tibau, Thiago Tavares, and Clay Guida (who, along with Joachim Hansen, Jamie Varner, and Marcus Aurelio, just missed the mark).

Top 15 Welterweight

1. Georges St. Pierre

The loss to Matt Serra was pretty embarrassing. Yet, while Serra has been nursing an injury, St. Pierre has gone on to defeat Josh Koscheck and Matt Hughes, which serves to erase his loss and place him back at the top.

2. Matt Serra

Serra publicly blasted Mark Laimon and Matt Hughes for being pricks, which is cool, but then also went inexplicably berserk when St. Pierre admitted to underestimating him. More and more, Serra is turning from being a righteous dude who shuts down loud mouth pricks and is becoming a raving maniac.

3. Jon Fitch

Hughes has rightfully held a spot in the top 3 of the welterweight division (and rightly so) for a long while, but I think enough has changed since Hughes's undisputed reign to warrant a shift. Matt Hughes has lost two of his last three fights, and the one that he did win was over the awfully swell but unremarkable Chris Lytle. Fitch, meanwhile, hasn't lost in five years, and the last time he did lose was to light-heavyweight Wilson Gouveia. Fitch has also beaten a top ranked welterweight in the past six months.
Hughes's long list of accomplishments, while increasingly dated, don't go completely out the window, but they can't keep him afloat so high for so long. Congratulations on entering the top 3, Jon Fitch. Now please deliver your victory clap...

Very nice. Thank you.

4. Matt Hughes

"My Accomplishments for 2007" by Matt Hughes:
-lifted a big, heavy dumbbell above my head.
-put on a stupid face at a press conference and thought wistfully about the farm...

-washed my hair with pork-shank juice.
-wrote some shitty book.

5. Josh Koscheck

In some parallel universe, Bill Murray, Tiger Woods, and a Bucket of Popcorn went on a date, fucked, and had a baby. Their planet was exploding, so they put it in a spaceship and sent it into space. Along the way, all the baby had to watch was a bizarro version of Revenge of the Nerds where the preps win out. The space ship landed on our Earth, and out popped Josh Koscheck.

6. Karo Parisyan

7. Diego Sanchez

8. Jake Shields

9. Carlos Condit

10. Nick Thompson

Marcus Davis has made some noise in other rankings, mainly on the strengths of his excellent performance against middling competition. But you know who does that same schtick, only a little better? Fucking Nick Thompson, that's who.

11. Marcus Davis

So Marcus Davis calls himself the Irish Hand Grenade, and he totally lost his shit because recent opponent Jess Liaudin called him a "fake Irishman." But his family comes from Scotland, and he lives in Maine. So...aren't you, like, at least a little fake?
Marcus Davis looks like my 4th grade teacher, who was of Dutch descent. Does this mean that Marcus Davis is actually Dutch? Almost certainly it does.

12. Yoshiyuki Yoshida

13. Drew Fickett

14. Hayato Sakurai

15. Thiago Alves

Pillow Talk

In bed last night, having been confronted with the distasteful chore of an early morning, a Brock-Lesnar-ian "Who cares?!" issued forth from my lovely lady-friend's lips.
Lying next to her supple form, I then envisioned--like the ship of Achaean Odysseus slipping between the twin horrors of Scylla and Charybdis--Brock Lesnar's dick-knife slipped between the twin horrors of his pectorals.

Thanks a bunch, Brock Lesnar.

Top 15 Lightweight

1. Gesias Calvancanti

Let's face facts: Gomi hasn't fought officially in over a year thanks to what is now a "no-contest" with Nick Diaz. And before the NSAC overturned the result of the fight, Gomi had lost to Diaz by gogoplata. There's no way that he can be number one anymore, let alone ranked.
Meanwhile, Mach Sakurai is turning in so-so performances back at welterweight, and Kawajiri has made a weak argument, at best, for first place thanks to fighting only once in 2007 against Luiz Azeredo. Being the two-time K-1 Heroes tournament winner, with a surprisingly facile win over Vitor Ribeiro, I'd say Calvancanti seems an excellent choice for the top spot of a division in flux.

2. Mitsuhiro Ishida

3. Gilbert Melendez

4. Tatsuya Kawajiri

5. Vitor Ribeiro

6. Shinya Aoki

Despite splitting time between two weight classes, it doesn't look like Ol' Rainbow Pants is losing any chance to tear up the top competition in his divisions. An upcoming bout with Calvancante will either send him to the head of the lightweight table, or solidify JZ as number one.
I was a little disappointed hearing of his performance at Yarennoka! I'm not shouting at you, the title of the event just had an exclamation point on it. It sounds as if Aoki had a bit harder of a time than he should have, considering that he is supposed to be a mixed martial artist while his opponent, though an accomplished grappler, is new to the sport. This may, unfortunately, signal trouble for Aoki down the road unless he rounds out his game.
I know what you're thinking. That the "rainbow pants" crack was cheap and a little old. Fair enough, but he'll need a new nickname, because "Tobikan Judan" is hard to say and doesn't make any sense to me. I'll start taking suggestions. Oh wait, don't even bother, because I just thought of the best one anyone could imagine: Soggy Lemon Sacks, Jr.. Easy to remember, and descriptive.

7. BJ Penn

As soon as I can put Penn at number one, I will. To me, that spot has always potentially belonged to him. However, it's important to remember that he only really has two wins at lightweight that could be considered current or pertinent--his wins over Din Thomas, Caol Uno, and Takanori Gomi are, I feel, a little too dated to figure heavily into the rankings.

8. Joe Stevenson

9. Frank Edgar

10. Tyson Griffin

I put Griffin here in favor of Sherk because (Sherk's steroid abuse aside) I feel that Griffin's victories over Duane Ludwig, Clay Guida, Thiago Tavares, and Gleison Tibau count for more than Sherk's two wins.
Griffin always comes out to "Eye of the Tiger," but I think he should start walking out to the song "Super-Meat Thighs." I know you want to say "Come on, this isn't a song, man" but it is in my sweetest dreams, and it's performed by Dick Dale and the Confederate Army strumming on the strung-out assholes of 1,000 great white sharks.

Number 10 Lightweight of the World Dick Dale, feeling the years.

11. Roger Huerta

A lot of people shit on Huerta because he's a pretty boy, but aren't you supposed to like him more because he's handsome? I know I do. Huerta proved he can do more than look good in tight shorts and beat the hell out of UFC fodder when he fought through two grueling rounds against Clay Guida before submitting him in the third.

12. Sean Sherk

Despite having been the UFC lightweight, Sherk only has two lightweight fights on his record. While their good wins, I don't think it's enough to put him ahead of Huerta or Griffin in the ranks, both of whom have more expansive lightweight resumes.
I was a little disappointed in Sean Sherk after seeing him hop around and hug Matt Hughes after seeing Georges St. Pierre get knocked out. Sherk seems to pride himself on being a consumate competitor, but I think part of that is respecting and appreciating whomever bested you. Jumping around in an uncontrollable state of vicarious glee hardly seems fitting. And speaking of fitting, when is Sherk going to find some space on his improbably muscled body to stick some decorum? He clearly tested positive for steroids (which half the viewing public probably figured he was on anyway) and yet continues to shout about his innocence. Saying it over and over doesn't make it true or any more convincing. It's just irritating. He could likewise stop using slogans like "You're not the champ until you beat the champ." As far as anyone with half a brain is concerned, testing positive for steroids and getting stripped of your title means you aren't the champ. Unless Sherk is shouting those slogans at himself in a mirror, they have no business leaving the mouth on his steroidally convoluted face.

13. Kenny Florian

"The Finisher." Ugh. I hope that's not official. Otherwise, we'll totally miss out on "Ken-Flo vs. J-Lau: the Hyphening." You know, you yell about how you finish fights, like, only a dozen times in a 60 second post-fight interview, and suddenly everyone's making jokes.
Florian catches a lot of crap, and seems to perpetually work under the shadow of his participation on the first season of The Ultimate Fighter. Unlike, say, the Jorge Gurgels of the world, though, I think Florian has proven to be a true commodity at lightweight (albeit with inconsistent fanfare). Wins over up-and-comers Sam Stout and Alvin Robinson, in addition to solid veterans Dokonjonosuke Mishima and Din Thomas, warrants a mention in the ranks.

14. Rob McCullough

He hasn't lost in four years, his nickname is "Razor," and he gets sweaty as a motherfucker.
Razor Rob has one of the most swell spots on television in an advert for the WEC on the Versus Network, wherein he holds a weight from his teeth with a rope and lifts it using the power of what is called "Rob's Neck."

15. Clay Guida

I'm not going to bullshit you, Clay Guida's ravishing head of hair had something to do with making it on this list.
It's a crowded division, so when it comes to rankings, one has to ask, "What have you done for me lately?" And Guida, while losing to Roger Huerta, also beat Marcus Aurelio (who is most famous for his submission win over former Number 1 fighter Takanori Gomi). His losses to Din Thomas and Tyson Griffin hurt his case a little, but the fact that they were close decision losses, and that he performed well in both of them, tilt my opinion in his favor over a couple other fighters. These fighters being:
Din Thomas (who beat Guida early last year but lost to Florian in a so-so performance after), Ryan Schultz (who went undefeated in 2007, beating the sensational but perhaps overhyped Chris Horodecki), Joachim Hansen (formerly Top 10, who won his last fight against the unremarkable Kazuyuki Miyata, but not before losing to unranked Eiji Mitsuoka), and Marcus Aurelio (whose most significant win over Takanori Gomi happened more than a year ago).

Old-Timey UFC Guy Stages Ill-Fated Comeback

Bob Meyrowitz, after selling what turned out to be the most popular brand in one of the fastest growing forms of entertainment to Zuffa, seems to have found a magic lamp. After rubbing furiously, a genie popped out and I guess it granted him his wish to do it all over again, because Meyrowitz (who co-founded the UFC) has announced the development of a new MMA promotion.

Unfortunately, the genie must be from 1993, because the promotional material for "YAMMA Pit Fighting" reads like something from the dark ages of the sport. "Redefining MMA. On the street it's against the law. In the pit there is no law. THEY'RE BACK!!!!!!"

"In the pit there is no law?" That's the kind of talk that gets you banned in all 50, son. And who, exactly, is "BACK!!!!!!"? Because if it's Paul Varelans, you can count me out...

...Or can you?

Further dating Meyrowitz's new endeavor is the likelihood that his "YAMMA Pit Fighting" will closely resemble (or is, by my prediction) "YAMA," a show he was shopping around to cable networks that pitted two teams with different fighting styles against each other. Meyrowitz stated that they weren't fostering competition between two individuals, necessarily, but between "two totally different fighting styles." Except that this has already been done (by him), and we all learned our lesson: you don't bring a single boxing glove to an MMA fight (sorry Art Jimmerson).

The big hook here, though, seems to be the implementation of a new type of ring, which YPF claims will change the face of the sport, but the exact nature of the new ring is currently under wraps. However, there may be a clue in the quote "In the pit there is no law." I think, guys, it might take place in a pit. Maybe, though, its like a riddle or a trick, and "pit" is code. For example, one might see that "pit," spelled backwards, is "tip." As in the tip of Zuffa's million dollar wang. Inserted into YPF's brown eye.
For Oxford University, this is Walter Cronkite.

Comeback Kids

While 2007 proved a halcyon year for fighters like Anderson Silva, Quinton Jackson, and Randy Couture, other fighters closed out the year with a whimper among clouds of fan skepticism and doubt. Below are five fighters who have the opportunity and potential to turn their careers around and leave a big impression on the MMA community:

5. Andrei Arlovski
Between his ongoing contract negotiations with the UFC and his two anemic wins--first over Marcio Cruz and later against Fabricio Werdum--Arlovski has largely faded from the public consciousness. With an impending conclusion in his contract negotiations, Arlovski should be poised to use what little momentum he can take from his last to fights and stage an explosive comeback, either in or out of the UFC.
I feel Arlovski gets a bum rap, from both fans and management. He more or less carried the UFC's heavyweight division for almost two years. A couple tough breaks later, and everyone is ready to write him off as a flash in the pan. At the same time, Arlovski can't continue the way he has been for much longer. Even one more fight resembling his contest with Werdum could kill any latent interest in him. I'm not sure where exactly his problems lie, but I suspect it has to do with the surge of super-stardom he enjoyed last year. He needs to wipe all of that from his memory, get hungry, and start from zero. I'm not going to make that old joke and suggest that it's his lack of chest hair that has done him in. Actually, I guess I will.



Brown-Reverse-Fur-Cape-Arlovski in '08!

4. Tito Ortiz
Ortiz fancies himself not only a fighter, but a savvy entrepreneur as well. But where does sticking it to mythical sea-hag Jenna Jameson figure in to it? Ortiz's career in the last couple years has been plagued with uninspired wins, disappointing losses, and excuses, excuses, excuses. Sick of making, in his words, lesser fighters look good, he vowed to take some time off, completely heal his injuries, and bring the "old" Tito back. A rematch with Rashad Evans has been rumored to be on the table. If he can regain and put to use his notoriously strong cardio, wrestling, and perseverance, Ortiz could quite possibly dominate Evans and work his way towards lasting prominence.
Unfortunately, I can't help but wonder how likely a resurgence is for Ortiz. The old Tito wasn't killing time on b-list-celebrity reality shows, and the old Tito trained in a camp populated by Chuck Liddell, Quinton Jackson, and a prime Ricco Rodriguez. A look at his camp now reveals that he's been working out with...Tiki Ghosn?! Oh man, I thought that guy was dead...

3. Frank Mir
Life has been a little rough for Mir. Shortly after capturing the UFC heavyweight belt in spectacular fashion, he suffered serious injuries in a motorcycle accident. With a recent increased emphasis on a strong mental state as key for a successful fighter, it's not too surprising, in retrospect, that Mir faltered in his return bout almost two years later, losing badly to the unimpressive Marcio Cruz. An almost unbearably sluggish win over Dan Christison followed, and a tko loss to Brandon Vera after that. Mir's most recent fight against Antoni Hardonk, which he won quite handily by submission, is hopefully a promise of things to come. Upcoming opponent Brock Lesnar poses the perfect opportunity for Mir--while physically imposing, Lesnar is far less experienced than Mir, and his wrestling-centric technique could easily backfire against a jiu-jistu artist as talented as Mir. And while he might be unproven in the MMA world, Lesnar is a name opponent. Spoiling Lesnar's coming-out party (and starting a win streak) may be just the thing Mir needs to get back in the spot light.

2. Cro Cop
As a highly touted import, Cro Cop might have let the hype get to his head. Instead of steamrolling the UFC heavyweight division en route to championship supremacy, Cro Cop took a oddly humdrum tko victory over human/albino gopher hybrid Eddie Sanchez. He went on to suffer a horrifying ko loss to Gabriel Gonzaga, resulting in the saddest picture in the history of man. That is to say, a photo of a 220 pound smasher of men sobbing as he rides through a field on his pony, looking so sharp in his little cowboy hat. I'm a little afraid to show it to you, but here it is anyway.

A second loss to Cheik Kongo followed. Rumors of his retirement have since been put to rest as Cro Cop endeavors to refocus and become an effective heavyweight wrecking machine. Look for him to cut a swathe of destruction towards a title match, or again lose himself in thoughts of retirement by the end of 2008.

1. BJ Penn
Penn is a problematic figure in mixed martial arts. His nickname "The Prodigy," describes him almost perfectly, embodying both what is great and infinitely frustrating about him. As a prodigy, he has seemingly limitless talent and yet, because of the great facility with which he fights, he never seems to work as hard or stay as focused as other fighters, resulting in under-performance, and disappointment for his fans. He claims to have gotten his head straight (thanks in part to discussions with Randy Couture, no less) and is fully dedicated to the art of fighting. His virtuoso performance against one-time rival Jens Pulver seems a step in the right direction. Yet, with a looming title fight against Joe Stevenson, Penn seems disconcertingly preoccupied with Sean Sherk. Here's hoping that in 2008 he starts to make good on all of the promise he has, and that he expands on the moments of brilliance his career has shown us.

Here we have a picture of Penn wearing some of the best shorts ever. While I approve of the shorts whole-heartedly, I don't quite understand his ill-will to Jens Pulver. I tend to dislike the characters of fighters from the Miletich camp, but Jens Pulver has always seemed like a good-humored kind of guy. Why, BJ Penn? Why did you let go of the armbar just to punch Jens Pulver in the face some more? You can be so cruel.