Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Old-Timey UFC Guy Stages Ill-Fated Comeback

Bob Meyrowitz, after selling what turned out to be the most popular brand in one of the fastest growing forms of entertainment to Zuffa, seems to have found a magic lamp. After rubbing furiously, a genie popped out and I guess it granted him his wish to do it all over again, because Meyrowitz (who co-founded the UFC) has announced the development of a new MMA promotion.

Unfortunately, the genie must be from 1993, because the promotional material for "YAMMA Pit Fighting" reads like something from the dark ages of the sport. "Redefining MMA. On the street it's against the law. In the pit there is no law. THEY'RE BACK!!!!!!"

"In the pit there is no law?" That's the kind of talk that gets you banned in all 50, son. And who, exactly, is "BACK!!!!!!"? Because if it's Paul Varelans, you can count me out...
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...Or can you?

Further dating Meyrowitz's new endeavor is the likelihood that his "YAMMA Pit Fighting" will closely resemble (or is, by my prediction) "YAMA," a show he was shopping around to cable networks that pitted two teams with different fighting styles against each other. Meyrowitz stated that they weren't fostering competition between two individuals, necessarily, but between "two totally different fighting styles." Except that this has already been done (by him), and we all learned our lesson: you don't bring a single boxing glove to an MMA fight (sorry Art Jimmerson).

The big hook here, though, seems to be the implementation of a new type of ring, which YPF claims will change the face of the sport, but the exact nature of the new ring is currently under wraps. However, there may be a clue in the quote "In the pit there is no law." I think, guys, it might take place in a pit. Maybe, though, its like a riddle or a trick, and "pit" is code. For example, one might see that "pit," spelled backwards, is "tip." As in the tip of Zuffa's million dollar wang. Inserted into YPF's brown eye.
For Oxford University, this is Walter Cronkite.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Comeback Kids

While 2007 proved a halcyon year for fighters like Anderson Silva, Quinton Jackson, and Randy Couture, other fighters closed out the year with a whimper among clouds of fan skepticism and doubt. Below are five fighters who have the opportunity and potential to turn their careers around and leave a big impression on the MMA community:

5. Andrei Arlovski
Between his ongoing contract negotiations with the UFC and his two anemic wins--first over Marcio Cruz and later against Fabricio Werdum--Arlovski has largely faded from the public consciousness. With an impending conclusion in his contract negotiations, Arlovski should be poised to use what little momentum he can take from his last to fights and stage an explosive comeback, either in or out of the UFC.
I feel Arlovski gets a bum rap, from both fans and management. He more or less carried the UFC's heavyweight division for almost two years. A couple tough breaks later, and everyone is ready to write him off as a flash in the pan. At the same time, Arlovski can't continue the way he has been for much longer. Even one more fight resembling his contest with Werdum could kill any latent interest in him. I'm not sure where exactly his problems lie, but I suspect it has to do with the surge of super-stardom he enjoyed last year. He needs to wipe all of that from his memory, get hungry, and start from zero. I'm not going to make that old joke and suggest that it's his lack of chest hair that has done him in. Actually, I guess I will.

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Brown-Reverse-Fur-Cape-Arlovski in '08!

4. Tito Ortiz
Ortiz fancies himself not only a fighter, but a savvy entrepreneur as well. But where does sticking it to mythical sea-hag Jenna Jameson figure in to it? Ortiz's career in the last couple years has been plagued with uninspired wins, disappointing losses, and excuses, excuses, excuses. Sick of making, in his words, lesser fighters look good, he vowed to take some time off, completely heal his injuries, and bring the "old" Tito back. A rematch with Rashad Evans has been rumored to be on the table. If he can regain and put to use his notoriously strong cardio, wrestling, and perseverance, Ortiz could quite possibly dominate Evans and work his way towards lasting prominence.
Unfortunately, I can't help but wonder how likely a resurgence is for Ortiz. The old Tito wasn't killing time on b-list-celebrity reality shows, and the old Tito trained in a camp populated by Chuck Liddell, Quinton Jackson, and a prime Ricco Rodriguez. A look at his camp now reveals that he's been working out with...Tiki Ghosn?! Oh man, I thought that guy was dead...

3. Frank Mir
Life has been a little rough for Mir. Shortly after capturing the UFC heavyweight belt in spectacular fashion, he suffered serious injuries in a motorcycle accident. With a recent increased emphasis on a strong mental state as key for a successful fighter, it's not too surprising, in retrospect, that Mir faltered in his return bout almost two years later, losing badly to the unimpressive Marcio Cruz. An almost unbearably sluggish win over Dan Christison followed, and a tko loss to Brandon Vera after that. Mir's most recent fight against Antoni Hardonk, which he won quite handily by submission, is hopefully a promise of things to come. Upcoming opponent Brock Lesnar poses the perfect opportunity for Mir--while physically imposing, Lesnar is far less experienced than Mir, and his wrestling-centric technique could easily backfire against a jiu-jistu artist as talented as Mir. And while he might be unproven in the MMA world, Lesnar is a name opponent. Spoiling Lesnar's coming-out party (and starting a win streak) may be just the thing Mir needs to get back in the spot light.

2. Cro Cop
As a highly touted import, Cro Cop might have let the hype get to his head. Instead of steamrolling the UFC heavyweight division en route to championship supremacy, Cro Cop took a oddly humdrum tko victory over human/albino gopher hybrid Eddie Sanchez. He went on to suffer a horrifying ko loss to Gabriel Gonzaga, resulting in the saddest picture in the history of man. That is to say, a photo of a 220 pound smasher of men sobbing as he rides through a field on his pony, looking so sharp in his little cowboy hat. I'm a little afraid to show it to you, but here it is anyway.
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A second loss to Cheik Kongo followed. Rumors of his retirement have since been put to rest as Cro Cop endeavors to refocus and become an effective heavyweight wrecking machine. Look for him to cut a swathe of destruction towards a title match, or again lose himself in thoughts of retirement by the end of 2008.

1. BJ Penn
Penn is a problematic figure in mixed martial arts. His nickname "The Prodigy," describes him almost perfectly, embodying both what is great and infinitely frustrating about him. As a prodigy, he has seemingly limitless talent and yet, because of the great facility with which he fights, he never seems to work as hard or stay as focused as other fighters, resulting in under-performance, and disappointment for his fans. He claims to have gotten his head straight (thanks in part to discussions with Randy Couture, no less) and is fully dedicated to the art of fighting. His virtuoso performance against one-time rival Jens Pulver seems a step in the right direction. Yet, with a looming title fight against Joe Stevenson, Penn seems disconcertingly preoccupied with Sean Sherk. Here's hoping that in 2008 he starts to make good on all of the promise he has, and that he expands on the moments of brilliance his career has shown us.
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Here we have a picture of Penn wearing some of the best shorts ever. While I approve of the shorts whole-heartedly, I don't quite understand his ill-will to Jens Pulver. I tend to dislike the characters of fighters from the Miletich camp, but Jens Pulver has always seemed like a good-humored kind of guy. Why, BJ Penn? Why did you let go of the armbar just to punch Jens Pulver in the face some more? You can be so cruel.