Top 15 Welterweight

1. Georges St. Pierre

The loss to Matt Serra was pretty embarrassing. Yet, while Serra has been nursing an injury, St. Pierre has gone on to defeat Josh Koscheck and Matt Hughes, which serves to erase his loss and place him back at the top.

2. Matt Serra

Serra publicly blasted Mark Laimon and Matt Hughes for being pricks, which is cool, but then also went inexplicably berserk when St. Pierre admitted to underestimating him. More and more, Serra is turning from being a righteous dude who shuts down loud mouth pricks and is becoming a raving maniac.

3. Jon Fitch

Hughes has rightfully held a spot in the top 3 of the welterweight division (and rightly so) for a long while, but I think enough has changed since Hughes's undisputed reign to warrant a shift. Matt Hughes has lost two of his last three fights, and the one that he did win was over the awfully swell but unremarkable Chris Lytle. Fitch, meanwhile, hasn't lost in five years, and the last time he did lose was to light-heavyweight Wilson Gouveia. Fitch has also beaten a top ranked welterweight in the past six months.
Hughes's long list of accomplishments, while increasingly dated, don't go completely out the window, but they can't keep him afloat so high for so long. Congratulations on entering the top 3, Jon Fitch. Now please deliver your victory clap...

Very nice. Thank you.

4. Matt Hughes

"My Accomplishments for 2007" by Matt Hughes:
-lifted a big, heavy dumbbell above my head.
-put on a stupid face at a press conference and thought wistfully about the farm...

-washed my hair with pork-shank juice.
-wrote some shitty book.

5. Josh Koscheck

In some parallel universe, Bill Murray, Tiger Woods, and a Bucket of Popcorn went on a date, fucked, and had a baby. Their planet was exploding, so they put it in a spaceship and sent it into space. Along the way, all the baby had to watch was a bizarro version of Revenge of the Nerds where the preps win out. The space ship landed on our Earth, and out popped Josh Koscheck.

6. Karo Parisyan

7. Diego Sanchez

8. Jake Shields

9. Carlos Condit

10. Nick Thompson

Marcus Davis has made some noise in other rankings, mainly on the strengths of his excellent performance against middling competition. But you know who does that same schtick, only a little better? Fucking Nick Thompson, that's who.

11. Marcus Davis

So Marcus Davis calls himself the Irish Hand Grenade, and he totally lost his shit because recent opponent Jess Liaudin called him a "fake Irishman." But his family comes from Scotland, and he lives in Maine. So...aren't you, like, at least a little fake?
Marcus Davis looks like my 4th grade teacher, who was of Dutch descent. Does this mean that Marcus Davis is actually Dutch? Almost certainly it does.

12. Yoshiyuki Yoshida

13. Drew Fickett

14. Hayato Sakurai

15. Thiago Alves

Pillow Talk

In bed last night, having been confronted with the distasteful chore of an early morning, a Brock-Lesnar-ian "Who cares?!" issued forth from my lovely lady-friend's lips.
Lying next to her supple form, I then envisioned--like the ship of Achaean Odysseus slipping between the twin horrors of Scylla and Charybdis--Brock Lesnar's dick-knife slipped between the twin horrors of his pectorals.

Thanks a bunch, Brock Lesnar.

Top 15 Lightweight

1. Gesias Calvancanti

Let's face facts: Gomi hasn't fought officially in over a year thanks to what is now a "no-contest" with Nick Diaz. And before the NSAC overturned the result of the fight, Gomi had lost to Diaz by gogoplata. There's no way that he can be number one anymore, let alone ranked.
Meanwhile, Mach Sakurai is turning in so-so performances back at welterweight, and Kawajiri has made a weak argument, at best, for first place thanks to fighting only once in 2007 against Luiz Azeredo. Being the two-time K-1 Heroes tournament winner, with a surprisingly facile win over Vitor Ribeiro, I'd say Calvancanti seems an excellent choice for the top spot of a division in flux.

2. Mitsuhiro Ishida

3. Gilbert Melendez

4. Tatsuya Kawajiri

5. Vitor Ribeiro

6. Shinya Aoki

Despite splitting time between two weight classes, it doesn't look like Ol' Rainbow Pants is losing any chance to tear up the top competition in his divisions. An upcoming bout with Calvancante will either send him to the head of the lightweight table, or solidify JZ as number one.
I was a little disappointed hearing of his performance at Yarennoka! I'm not shouting at you, the title of the event just had an exclamation point on it. It sounds as if Aoki had a bit harder of a time than he should have, considering that he is supposed to be a mixed martial artist while his opponent, though an accomplished grappler, is new to the sport. This may, unfortunately, signal trouble for Aoki down the road unless he rounds out his game.
I know what you're thinking. That the "rainbow pants" crack was cheap and a little old. Fair enough, but he'll need a new nickname, because "Tobikan Judan" is hard to say and doesn't make any sense to me. I'll start taking suggestions. Oh wait, don't even bother, because I just thought of the best one anyone could imagine: Soggy Lemon Sacks, Jr.. Easy to remember, and descriptive.

7. BJ Penn

As soon as I can put Penn at number one, I will. To me, that spot has always potentially belonged to him. However, it's important to remember that he only really has two wins at lightweight that could be considered current or pertinent--his wins over Din Thomas, Caol Uno, and Takanori Gomi are, I feel, a little too dated to figure heavily into the rankings.

8. Joe Stevenson

9. Frank Edgar

10. Tyson Griffin

I put Griffin here in favor of Sherk because (Sherk's steroid abuse aside) I feel that Griffin's victories over Duane Ludwig, Clay Guida, Thiago Tavares, and Gleison Tibau count for more than Sherk's two wins.
Griffin always comes out to "Eye of the Tiger," but I think he should start walking out to the song "Super-Meat Thighs." I know you want to say "Come on, this isn't a song, man" but it is in my sweetest dreams, and it's performed by Dick Dale and the Confederate Army strumming on the strung-out assholes of 1,000 great white sharks.

Number 10 Lightweight of the World Dick Dale, feeling the years.

11. Roger Huerta

A lot of people shit on Huerta because he's a pretty boy, but aren't you supposed to like him more because he's handsome? I know I do. Huerta proved he can do more than look good in tight shorts and beat the hell out of UFC fodder when he fought through two grueling rounds against Clay Guida before submitting him in the third.

12. Sean Sherk

Despite having been the UFC lightweight, Sherk only has two lightweight fights on his record. While their good wins, I don't think it's enough to put him ahead of Huerta or Griffin in the ranks, both of whom have more expansive lightweight resumes.
I was a little disappointed in Sean Sherk after seeing him hop around and hug Matt Hughes after seeing Georges St. Pierre get knocked out. Sherk seems to pride himself on being a consumate competitor, but I think part of that is respecting and appreciating whomever bested you. Jumping around in an uncontrollable state of vicarious glee hardly seems fitting. And speaking of fitting, when is Sherk going to find some space on his improbably muscled body to stick some decorum? He clearly tested positive for steroids (which half the viewing public probably figured he was on anyway) and yet continues to shout about his innocence. Saying it over and over doesn't make it true or any more convincing. It's just irritating. He could likewise stop using slogans like "You're not the champ until you beat the champ." As far as anyone with half a brain is concerned, testing positive for steroids and getting stripped of your title means you aren't the champ. Unless Sherk is shouting those slogans at himself in a mirror, they have no business leaving the mouth on his steroidally convoluted face.

13. Kenny Florian

"The Finisher." Ugh. I hope that's not official. Otherwise, we'll totally miss out on "Ken-Flo vs. J-Lau: the Hyphening." You know, you yell about how you finish fights, like, only a dozen times in a 60 second post-fight interview, and suddenly everyone's making jokes.
Florian catches a lot of crap, and seems to perpetually work under the shadow of his participation on the first season of The Ultimate Fighter. Unlike, say, the Jorge Gurgels of the world, though, I think Florian has proven to be a true commodity at lightweight (albeit with inconsistent fanfare). Wins over up-and-comers Sam Stout and Alvin Robinson, in addition to solid veterans Dokonjonosuke Mishima and Din Thomas, warrants a mention in the ranks.

14. Rob McCullough

He hasn't lost in four years, his nickname is "Razor," and he gets sweaty as a motherfucker.
Razor Rob has one of the most swell spots on television in an advert for the WEC on the Versus Network, wherein he holds a weight from his teeth with a rope and lifts it using the power of what is called "Rob's Neck."

15. Clay Guida

I'm not going to bullshit you, Clay Guida's ravishing head of hair had something to do with making it on this list.
It's a crowded division, so when it comes to rankings, one has to ask, "What have you done for me lately?" And Guida, while losing to Roger Huerta, also beat Marcus Aurelio (who is most famous for his submission win over former Number 1 fighter Takanori Gomi). His losses to Din Thomas and Tyson Griffin hurt his case a little, but the fact that they were close decision losses, and that he performed well in both of them, tilt my opinion in his favor over a couple other fighters. These fighters being:
Din Thomas (who beat Guida early last year but lost to Florian in a so-so performance after), Ryan Schultz (who went undefeated in 2007, beating the sensational but perhaps overhyped Chris Horodecki), Joachim Hansen (formerly Top 10, who won his last fight against the unremarkable Kazuyuki Miyata, but not before losing to unranked Eiji Mitsuoka), and Marcus Aurelio (whose most significant win over Takanori Gomi happened more than a year ago).