Thursday, June 19, 2008

On Sakuraba

On Sakuraba

On the Sherdog.com forums, a minor debate has flared up in the wake of Melvin Manhoef’s ultra-violent TKO of MMA legend and fan-favorite Kazushi Sakuraba. Precipitated by one fight fan’s feeling of satisfaction at the news of Sakuraba’s in-ring destruction, many have since decried what they see as a disrespectful sentiment, arguing that any antagonistic feelings toward such a venerable legend could only be a result of the UFC-centric, TUF-generation mentality; that such fans are merely loud-mouthed newcomers with little understanding or appreciation of the sport’s history.

Of course, I believe that the “problem,” if you can even call it that, is far more complicated, and such sentiments deserve more than just an angry dismissal by the self-styled aficionados and old guard.

We first have to understand that someone like Sakuraba (or Royce Gracie, or Ken Shamrock, or Randy Couture, or any fighter who has sufficiently captured the hearts and imaginations of the larger MMA audience) has, by turns either famous or notorious, become legendary, an institution in mixed martial arts. Attendant to this status is the fact that, when such a personage fights, he represents not just himself, but, for better or worse, a host of ideals or sins. Sakuraba is not so much a man as he is a symbol.

But a symbol of what?

Showmanship and a true appreciation for the sport and its fans, as evidenced by his good nature and elaborate entrances, may certainly find suitable personification in Sakuraba. The ideals of fighting spirit and resourcefulness are likewise well manifested in Sakuraba’s 185 pound frame—on display in his come-from-behind submission victory over Kestutis Smirnovas, and, though they ultimately ended in defeat, his seemingly fearless confrontations against the oversized Mirko Filipovic, Ricardo Ă…rona, and Wanderlei Silva. Any spectator with a fair understanding of mixed martial art’s evolution since UFC 1 must concede these points.

However, as well-schooled spectators, we also have a responsibility to acknowledge what can be dubbed “the whole story.” With this in mind, it is, in fact, more reprehensible for any self-styled expert to refuse that Sakuraba may represent anything but integrity than it is for a relative newcomer to wholly dismiss Sakuraba’s contributions. Neither position is correct, but the newcomer has an excuse in his inexperience, while the expert ought to know better. While Sakuraba deservedly embodies any number of admirable qualities, he has, throughout his career, also earned some attributes that sit bitter on many tongues. It’s these associations that could lead a spectator to find satisfaction rather than heartbreak in Sakuraba’s defeat.

MMA snobbery and Japanophilia are unfortunately tied to Sakuraba, not through any fault of his own, but by the attitudes that some of his most vocal supporters have taken—those who don’t appreciate Sakuraba in total are dismissed by the self-appointed elite as low-brow idiots. Sakuraba also served as one of the most visual standards born by those in favor of the Japanese fight promotion during the senseless UFC vs. PRIDE FC debates. He and his peers were irrationally seen as the classy, intelligent alternative to the dumbed-down UFC crowd.

Similarly, Sakuraba may be associated with officiation bias and corruption in MMA. At least one fighter, in Quinton Jackson, has stated that he was monetarily encouraged to lose in his fight with Sakuraba (though he didn’t take the “bonus,” and lost anyway). Likewise, respected veteran Guy Mezger recently revealed that, while fighting for PRIDE FC, he was pressured to be “creative” with how the fights went, and that, in his fight with Sakuraba, rather than going to the judge’s scorecards, a contract-breaching third round was decided upon at the last minute (he refused to continue in the fight, and it sits as a loss by way of forfeit on his record). At this point we can say that Sakuraba wasn’t a direct conspirator, but there is the mounting suspicion that he benefited from some of PRIDE FC’s more notorious matchmaking, refereeing, and judging practices. Unfortunately, being one of the poster boys for PRIDE FC, he is exemplary of its best qualities, but also shoulders the burden of its most reprehensible.

Perhaps more than anything else, though, Sakuraba represents the double standard in mixed martial arts. When discussing Sakuraba’s legacy, the point most often brought up are his set of victories over Royce, Renzo, Royler, and Ryan Gracie. The Gracies were, of course, once thought to be invincible, but now their own family legacy has recently been thrown in to question, and they are widely considered to be relics of the sport, obsolete since the last time Royce Gracie won a UFC tournament. While much dismissed in every area of MMA discussion, the Gracie’s reputation for invincibility and ultra-toughness are for some reason restored when discussing Sakuraba. Furthermore, while the Gracies are often criticized for demanding special parameters for their fights, Sakuraba receives little criticism for similar practices, as in the aforementioned fight with Guy Mezger.

When a given person delights in the destruction of Sakuraba, they aren’t reacting to Sakuraba personally (really, how could they? Virtually none of the spectators know him intimately, so this concept is ridiculous from the outset). Rather, they are delighting in the destruction of snobbery, or corruption, or double standards.

Of course Sakuraba is not a proponent of MMA snobbery, corruption, or double standards. But someone with such deep roots in mixed martial arts, someone who has entered the fans’ consciousness to the extent that he has, is bound to be coupled with one or another of those undesirable characteristics, just as he is connected to the ideals of showmanship, fan appreciation, and warrior spirit.

Is this fair to Sakuraba? Is it fair that he should shoulder the doubts as well as the admiration of millions of imaginations? When it comes to being a legend, this is an occupational hazard. To mix metaphors, being an icon is a double-edged sword—just as the world will project its greatest ideals onto a great person, so might they just as readily project the worst faults. An educated fan’s responsibility lies in recognizing this fact, that no fighter is an absolute hero or villain. That like the individual themselves, like the day-to-day man Kazushi Sakuraba, a fighter’s legacy, the Kazushi Sakuraba of the ring, is multifaceted, evolving, and complex.


Sunday, May 4, 2008

Top 15 Heavyweight

Too tired to explain the rankings. Barnett is at 6 due to a recent fight against mediocre competition that followed a long period of inactivity. Kongo gets knocked out of the Top 10 after that ridiculous fight with Heath Herring. So sloppy. Like if Michael J. Fox made sloppy joes. All shaking, all spilling the sauce. Please god, don't strike me with Parkinson's.

1. Fedor Emelianenko

2. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira

3. Randy Couture

4. Tim Sylvia

5. Andrei Arlovski

6. Josh Barnett

7. Fabricio Werdum

8. Gabriel Gonzaga

9. Mirko Filipovic

10. Aleksander Emelianenko

11. Ben Rothwell

12. Heath Herring

13. Cheick Kongo

14. Sergei Kharitonov

15. Alistair Overeem

Top 15 Light-Heavyweight

1. Quinton Jackson
Nothing much to speak of regarding the top 8 or 9 guys on this list. I think they're more or less standard. There's always the question of whether or not Jardine and Griffin should be ranked ahead of Liddell and Rua, respectively. In a case like this, I think one has to lend a lot of credence to how someone like Griffin beat the incumbent. Because Forrest Griffin beat Rua pretty solidly across three rounds, as opposed to a flash knock out, I think you have to give Griffin more credit, and put him ahead. Same with Jardine/Liddell.

2. Keith Jardine

3. Forrest Griffin

4. Chuck Liddell

5. Shogun Rua

6. Dan Henderson

7. Wanderlei Silva

8. Lyoto Machida

9. Sokoudjou

10. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira
Nogueira hasn't been particularly active, but he has shown more consistent top-level performance than anybody beneath him, so he takes the number 10 spot.

11. Wilson Gouveia
With Gouveia's win over Jason Lambert (who at the time had just knocked out one-time top contender Renato Sobral), Gouveia slips ahead of perennial A-lister Tito Ortiz and the accelerating Rashad Evans.
Lambert's loss to Gouveia was extremely disappointing. I had hoped "The Punisher" had turned a corner after his KO win over Sobral. Unfortunately he came out undisciplined in the second, and what do you know, Wilson Gouveia has himself some knockout power. There are still a few questions with Gouveia--his cardio in particular, which cost him the fight against Keith Jardine. Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but he has very bad posture. No one likes a hunchback.

12. Rashad Evans
Evans was marginally impressive in his fight with Ortiz, and looked solid against Bisping, but it seems a little hasty to let him into the Top 10. He's undefeated, but I think it's important to put his wins in context.
The victories over Sean Salmon and Stephan Bonnar don't do a whole lot for him in this sense. They were extremely solid performances, but Salmon ended up dropping down to an inconsistently successful middleweight, and Bonnar, while he seems to be improving, isn't a huge scalp on anyone's belt at the moment.
It's also important not to overvalue his performance with Ortiz. He lost the first two rounds, and while he bruised Ortiz up in the third, he wasn't able to seal the deal.
The decision win over Bisping was fine, but the UK fighter had already been "exposed," as they say, and had committed, also, to moving down to middleweight. A decent mark on your record, but nothing huge.
The biggest win on Evans' record has to be the tko over Jason Lambert, same as Gouveia. The issue, however, is timing. While Gouveia isn't undefeated in the UFC like Evans is, Gouveia beat an ostensibly better Jason Lambert, who had himself just come off a huge victory.
Evans is extremely close to breaking into the top tier, but it's going to take a couple more.

13. Tito Ortiz
Despite having a more impressive record than Evans, Ortiz has to be ranked underneath the woefully nicknamed "Sugar" Rashad. After their draw-decision, Evans went on to beat Michael Bisping, while Ortiz went on to be a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice. Trump busted a nut over Tito so hard that even though he lost his position on the show, Ortiz received an extra bit of coin from that scowling bag of bones and cash. Swell and all, but shouldn't he be, like, training? What was with Gene Simmons on that show, anyway? "I'll fire anybody...I'll fire Donald Trump." The fuck? Ortiz should have continued his winning streak against over-the-hill wackos and dropped some sweet elbows on that guy's face.

14. Vladimir Matyushenko
Another unfortunate nickname, "The Janitor." Self fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. Matyushenko has got himself a nice win streak and a championship belt working in the under-appreciated IFL. However, he's been "cleaning up" (lol) mid-to-lower tier fighters, which make it difficult to put too much weight on his victories.
A tko over the tough but inexperienced Jamal Patterson is nice, and the same goes for his decision win over the newly appreciated Tim Boetsch. Yet, wins over the currently self-destructing Justin Levens and mediocre Aaron Stark don't do a lot for his upward mobility. If he's planning to make one final rush at the big time, those fights will soon stop lending him momentum and start wasting his time. I get the feeling, though, that that final shot at great UFC-style glory is not forthcoming. He did, after all, have a stint in the UFC already, with only fair results. His game hasn't changed much since then--confounding for many, but exploitable by top level mixed martial artists. I think we can expect Matyushenko to ride out the rest of his career as the champion of a respectable but unspectacular stable of fighters

15. Thiago Silva
All the hype around Silva is a little inexplicable to me. He makes this list by virtue of a decent record, sure, but also the inactivity and inconsistency of others (specifically Jason Lambert, Ricardo Arona, and the rebuilding Renato Sobral). His win over James Irvin was due to a knee injury on Irvin's part, and his tko victory against Tomasz Drwal was preceeded by an incredibly sloppy, sluggish one and a half rounds that exposed Silva's propensity for getting hit in the face and getting tired.
His fight with Houston Alexander, while decent, didn't help quell any doubts, either. Alexander was himself a bit over hyped, after all, and while the tko from mount was impressive (albeit predictable) Alexander failed to effectively test Silva's in-fight longevity. A fight with Rashad Evans would be excellent for both parties, as it would pit Evans up with a high-level striker and Silva up with someone who will push him deeper into the fight.

Top 15 Middleweight

Having taken such a long hiatus, I'm in a bit of a rush to officially reorient myself with the sport. What better way to take stock of things than by an endless barrage of lists?

1. Anderson Silva

2. Paulo Filho
When Mike Tyson got a tattoo of Mao Tse Tung on his arm, he began a great tradition of permanently styling your body with portraits of history's greatest abominations. Filho has continued this proud tradition by getting a similar tattoo...of Mike Tyson.
Filho had a lot of questions to answer after his fight with Chael Sonnen (which some say he only barely won) and he has even more after pulling out of the rematch. It was initially reported that he had to withdraw due to personal issues, but after that didn't go over very well with the general public, the reason was slightly refined to say that he was in rehab for substance abuse. Unfortunately, rumors out of Brazil stated that he was woefully under training in the weeks leading up to the fight, and that perhaps he just wasn't ready. Those rumors in combination with the fact that he coincidentally finished his rehab program the Saturday immediately following his scheduled fight cast a strong sense of suspicion as to how he will perform in the future.

3. Rich Franklin

4. Nathan Marquardt

5. Yushin Okami

6. Robbie Lawler

7. Yoshihiro Akiyama
"Relatively more like leather than anything else I'm thinking about right now."
"What is Akiyama's face skin?"

8. Frank Trigg

9. Kazuo Misaki

10. Gegard Mousasi
Mousasi cracks the Top 10 thanks to his triangle-choke win over Denis Kang. Mousasi has flown under the radar the last couple years, missing his most recent chance at the big time by way of a decision loss to Akihiro Gono. However, his upset over Kang, a not too-distant win over Hector Lombard, and an overall stellar record make a strong case for Mousasi as an acknowledged top-flight competitor.

11. Jorge Santiago

12. Jason Miller

13. Denis Kang
Denis Kang has a bad habit of making Top Tenners out of previously uncertain middleweights. Misaki, Akiyama, and Mousasi are all enjoying a new (or renewed) relevance thanks in part to Kang, who was just recently considered to be one of the few people capable of dethroning Anderson Silva. Of course, Top Tenners is not to be confused with Top Tanners, which Evan Tanner also has a bad habit of making. He does this by sneaking up on unsuspecting jump-ropers before wailing on a guitar and taking a tremendous shit on their head while they're at the top of their jump. Therefore, Top Tanner.
Kang came off as extremely flaky in his fight with Mousasi, where he more or less gift wrapped a triangle choke for his opponent. His knockout loss to Akiyama was just as surprising since Kang was generally considered the more well-rounded and powerful fighter. He has, however, been able to excel outside of the big ticket fights. Perhaps, after all the hype, we're getting a view of the ceiling for Kang. On any given day he can take out other strong competitors like Murilo Rua and Akihiro Gono, but when it comes to top contenders, he always falls a little short.
However, it's also possible that his success and popularity in the smaller shows, namely Spirit MC, is part of the problem. He's not facing anywhere near the level of competition he would get elsewhere, and his reign in the Korean fight promotion may be giving him a false sense of security and prove distracting.

14. Jason Macdonald
Wins over Joe Doerksen, Ed Herman, and Chris Leben, plus the fact that he hasn't lost to anyone but Top 10 middleweights in the last two years, puts Macdonald at 14. There's a lot of other fighters that could arguably take this spot--Hector Lombard, Chris Leben, Joey Villasenor, Benji Radach, and Patrick Cote, to name a few-- but at the moment I think their inconsistency and lower-caliber competition keep them off the list.

15. Chael Sonnen
I think it's important to not put too much stock in a fighter based on how well he loses, which is what I think a lot of us did following Sonnen and Filho's first fight. Yet, however well a fighter performs at the outset, if in the end he lets the fight slip through his fingers, this is what ultimately counts most. Incidentally, this issue seems to best characterize Chael Sonnen.
Sonnen has always shown flashes of brilliance, but also a puzzling habit of blowing it in spectacular fashion at the last moment. His fight with Sobral was going swimmingly until he got overconfident in the BJJ specialist's guard, succumbing to a triangle choke, and was similarly eliminated by Paulo Filho.
It's for his inability to consistently win the bigger fights that Sonnen has to take a spot behind Jason Macdonald, who has, by contrast, shown an ability to perform consistently at the higher levels of competition.

Top 15 Welterweight

1. Georges St. Pierre

2. Jon Fitch

3. Matt Hughes
Between spending time as a coach on The Ultimate Fighter, rematches and rubber matches with BJ Penn and St. Pierre, the bad blood with Serra, and a grotesque fight against Royce Gracie, Hughes seems to have become less a contender and more like a mascot or symbol of the division, a character stuck in time--rightfully revered but perhaps working his way into irrelevance. Essentially,Hughes hasn't had a fight of consequence that didn't involve Penn or St. Pierre since his 2005 contest with Joe Riggs (and even that fight had its title implications taken away after Riggs couldn't make weight).
That's not to say he isn't a great fighter at this very moment, but his fights and their attendant drama seem to have so emphatically revolved around events that took place year(s) ago, that it was a shock to hear he'd be fighting an actual contender outside of his weird karmic circle in Thiago Alves. For once, I'm excited to see Hughes fight, and not just because of some grudge.

4. Josh Koscheck

5. Diego Sanchez

6. Jake Shields

7. Matt Serra
It's hard to tell how far down the line Serra drops with this loss to St. Pierre. Normally, splitting a pair of matches with the number one ranked welterweight wouldn't be cause for too much alarm, but Serra didn't exactly tear up a murderer's row of contenders to reach his first successful title shot, either. With his only real accomplishment being a shocking TKO of St. Pierre over a year ago, I think a lot of Serra's clout disappeared in their rematch under a hail of knee strikes to the ribs.
Despite all the 'bad blood' with St. Pierre, I'm still alright with Matt Serra. Serra's camp, on the other hand, is another thing. For Pete Sell to call anyone a "mental midget" (this coming from a guy who despite his jiu-jitsu skills insists on boxing his way to a loss against just about everyone in the UFC--PS, he doesn't have any TKO victories) is too ridiculous.
It was tough seeing Serra lose like that, because in spite of all the fight hype I think he's an alright guy who just got a little caught up in the moment (I don't think St. Pierre admitting he under trained was a sign of disrespect or a fluke, I think he was just admitting a mistake) and I hoped he would put up a bit more of a fight. As it stands, his game plan seems to have been not very well thought out--did his camp really think St. Pierre was just going to box with him, even after seeing St. Pierre grapple and ground-and-pound his way through Koscheck and Hughes?--and I'm afraid that we may be witnessing the end of Matt Serra's tour of the upper echelon.
Unless he puts some wrestling together with his knockout power, I don't see him getting by Hughes.

8. Thiago Alves

9. Karo Parisyan
Irony's a real bitch. Parisyan preemptively declared that he would not accept a fight with Jon Fitch because he wanted a more certain victory leading up to a perceived title shot. Following fan and fighter criticism, Parisyan then insisted that he was not dodging Fitch (nor would he ever) and that it was impossible for a person to dodge Fitch when there was never a fight offered anyway. Impossible it may be, but somehow Parisyan did it.
Abiding by his wishes, the UFC matched him up with Thiago Alves, and Parisyan, who looked in just about the worst shape of his UFC career, was promptly knocked out.

10. Carlos Condit

11. Drew Fickett
What can you say about Drew Fickett that hasn't already been said by the ADCC? Fickett was banned from the Abu Dhabi after a long day of harassing other competitors at the hotel while in a drunken rage and ending up (as the rumor goes) blitzed out of his mind, almost naked, and sobbing outside his hotel room.
It was disappointing to see Fickett leave the UFC. I can't say whether or not he would have been a true contender, but his fights were always exciting. But why should Dana White get to host all of the life-or-death fights? On his title fight with Jake Shields in EliteXC, we now take you to Drew Fickett:
"Round one, rear-naked choke, one of us will die!"

12. Nick Thompson

13. Marcus Davis

14. Yoshiyuki Yoshida

15. David Baron
Thanks to his submission victory over a lackadaisical Hayato Sakurai David Baron makes the list. It's hard to tell exactly how good Baron really is given that any previous attempts against the upper levels of competition have been met with defeat, and that Sakurai himself has looked uninspired in his last several fights. A title shot in DREAM would have been a helpful test, but the newfound Japanese promotion decided to play favorites and offered the fight to Sakurai anyway.

Top 15 Lightweights

Under a burgeoning sense of ennui and purposelessness, with a vague sense of defeat over a task that only exists in the form of its own failure, I'm made to ask, what's the point? At the end of this year, I'll have graduated (with a degree I should have completed two years ago) without any particular job prospects or professional ambitions, having only a host of rejection letters from publishers and an erratically produced, sub-par MMA blog. Why continue making comics nobody wants? Why continue writing a blog nobody reads? Why do anything?
Here's the top 15 lightweights.

1. Takanori Gomi
Thanks to JZ Cavalcante losing to DREAM grand prix contender Shinya Aoki, Gomi finds himself back at number one. JZ certainly cannot take the top spot after losing to Aoki, and as for Aoki himself, his record is a little too slight compared to Gomi's. The Fireball Kid hasn't been that active, but on paper he's the most consistent at the highest levels of competition.

2. Shinya Aoki
In a pre-fight interview, Aoki once tearfully told the story of how he'd call his father on the telephone sometimes, "just to tell him that I'm alive." Just what the fuck is that supposed to mean, exactly?
Aoki makes number two for having beaten the previously top ranked Gesias Calvancante.

3. Mitsuhiro Ishida

4. Gesias Calvancante

5. Gilbert Melendez

6. Tatsuya Kawajiri

7. Vitor Ribeiro
Because Ribeiro's lightweight resume is so much more expansive, I ranked him above BJ Penn. Ribeiro's loss to Calvancante made this a little difficult, especially since Penn is coming off a win. However, Ribeiro has shown a consistently high level of performance across the last couple years, while Penn still has some question's to answer...

8. BJ Penn
such as: do you kiss on a first date? and: if I were a girl, would you go on a date with me?

9. Joe Stevenson
It's hard to tell if our collective impression of Joe Stevenson has been colored by his mere association with the UFC lightweight title, or if that bit of limelight helped everyone recognize what a quality lightweight he really is. Generally, I believe in the latter. His striking in the match against Penn was relatively good, and he's a powerful grappler with good conditioning as well. I'd like to see a rematch between him and Josh Neer, who beat Stevenson at welterweight (prompting his drop to 155 pounds) and has since dropped to lightweight himself in hopes of revitalizing his career.

10. Sean Sherk
Sherk's lightweight resume is slight but remarkable. His victory over Kenny Florian might not have meant much at the time, but Florian has since proven himself to be a serious contender. That win, in combination with Sherk's defeat of Hermes Franca, proves Sherk as a recognizable force at lightweight. With the UFC lightweight division slightly in flux following a series of suspensions and new additions to the weight class, the title belt has been slightly devalued. Sherk will help legitimize the title one way or another, either by providing an impressive scalp on BJ Penn's belt, or by providing a resume suitable (albeit short) for the lightweight champion.

11. Kenny Florian

12. Roger Huerta

13. Gray Maynard
The bottom three here represents a love triangle among UFC wrestling wunderkind, except the amorous caresses are replaced by double leg take downs, the simultaneous mutual oral sex position has been replaced by the "north-south" position (aka...simultaneous mutual oral sex position) and the warming personal lubricant has been replaced by gobs of sweet Vasoline quivering atop the fingertips of UFC cutman "Stitch."

14. Frank Edgar

15. Tyson Griffin
Griffin's loss to Frank Edgar still lingers in my memory partly due to the amazing fight that precipitated it. In determining who would take this last spot, it was important to remember that Griffin has, since the loss to Edgar, taken three very impressive wins over Gleison Tibau, Thiago Tavares, and Clay Guida (who, along with Joachim Hansen, Jamie Varner, and Marcus Aurelio, just missed the mark).

Friday, February 22, 2008

Top 15 Welterweight

1. Georges St. Pierre

The loss to Matt Serra was pretty embarrassing. Yet, while Serra has been nursing an injury, St. Pierre has gone on to defeat Josh Koscheck and Matt Hughes, which serves to erase his loss and place him back at the top.

2. Matt Serra

Serra publicly blasted Mark Laimon and Matt Hughes for being pricks, which is cool, but then also went inexplicably berserk when St. Pierre admitted to underestimating him. More and more, Serra is turning from being a righteous dude who shuts down loud mouth pricks and is becoming a raving maniac.

3. Jon Fitch

Hughes has rightfully held a spot in the top 3 of the welterweight division (and rightly so) for a long while, but I think enough has changed since Hughes's undisputed reign to warrant a shift. Matt Hughes has lost two of his last three fights, and the one that he did win was over the awfully swell but unremarkable Chris Lytle. Fitch, meanwhile, hasn't lost in five years, and the last time he did lose was to light-heavyweight Wilson Gouveia. Fitch has also beaten a top ranked welterweight in the past six months.
Hughes's long list of accomplishments, while increasingly dated, don't go completely out the window, but they can't keep him afloat so high for so long. Congratulations on entering the top 3, Jon Fitch. Now please deliver your victory clap...
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Very nice. Thank you.

4. Matt Hughes

"My Accomplishments for 2007" by Matt Hughes:
-lifted a big, heavy dumbbell above my head.
-put on a stupid face at a press conference and thought wistfully about the farm...
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-washed my hair with pork-shank juice.
-wrote some shitty book.

5. Josh Koscheck

In some parallel universe, Bill Murray, Tiger Woods, and a Bucket of Popcorn went on a date, fucked, and had a baby. Their planet was exploding, so they put it in a spaceship and sent it into space. Along the way, all the baby had to watch was a bizarro version of Revenge of the Nerds where the preps win out. The space ship landed on our Earth, and out popped Josh Koscheck.

6. Karo Parisyan

7. Diego Sanchez

8. Jake Shields

9. Carlos Condit

10. Nick Thompson

Marcus Davis has made some noise in other rankings, mainly on the strengths of his excellent performance against middling competition. But you know who does that same schtick, only a little better? Fucking Nick Thompson, that's who.

11. Marcus Davis

So Marcus Davis calls himself the Irish Hand Grenade, and he totally lost his shit because recent opponent Jess Liaudin called him a "fake Irishman." But his family comes from Scotland, and he lives in Maine. So...aren't you, like, at least a little fake?
Marcus Davis looks like my 4th grade teacher, who was of Dutch descent. Does this mean that Marcus Davis is actually Dutch? Almost certainly it does.

12. Yoshiyuki Yoshida

13. Drew Fickett

14. Hayato Sakurai

15. Thiago Alves